10 Things That Make You Go Hmm…

  1. The piss that gets down on the sides and by the bolts of the toilet and you know it wasn’t you because you are a female and your lady bits cannot physically export urine down and around the sides of the toilet like that…but you still clean it up.

  2. When you take a sip of your kid’s drink and you can actually chew the contents.

  3. In a movie theater when you are there with your kids and super tall-man-giraffe sits right in front of your small child even though you are the only two families in the entire theater.

  4. When you step on a wet spot on your carpet and shiver.

  5. Smart cars.

  6. Looking at pics of people’s family vacations on Facebook and seeing how happy they are, but on your family trip it was miserable because one of your kids had fever and you and your hubby weren’t speaking because he can’t focus.

  7. The temperature at your “women’s visits.” It always so sweaty hot that by the time the doctor comes in that he has to peel you open as you’ve melted together.

  8. When people post something on Facebook like this, “Paulina is feeling-enraged.” And you are like, why? Wouldn’t Paulina say why she’s enraged? If I ask, would that be rude? Maybe she wants to keep her rage private?! But then why would she post it? 

    Hmm…

  9. The fact that people willingly run for office.

  10. When there is a bike lane, yet the bicyclists still use the car lane…in traffic…causing all the cars to almost crash because they are avoiding the dude in the tight shorts who is NOT using the bike lane.

Hmm….that’s all I can say. If you like it then bitch-slap that button down there! Thanks! 

What I’d Really Say If I Had Any Balls

These Are Not The Kind I’m Talking About

The random lady at the grocery store:

Did you actually name your son Rowdy?

Me: Yep, (smile) I sure did.

Real response: Yes, and I will actually kick you in your twat. Btw, write down your number for me, because if I ever decide to carry another child for nine months and then give birth to them, I wanna give you a call and see if you approve of the name I choose, Miss Random Lady at the Grocery Store.

The (first time) pregnant lady at the pool laying out:

Aww…your kids are so cute!

Me: Oh thank you. You are so cute pregnant!

Real response: Oh lovey. Oh sweet precious girl. First of all, thank you, but more importantly, you need to stop looking at these kids. Just focus on your tan. This is the last time you will be able to do this for YEARS! No kids now. Just sun. Shhh…lay down. Hush now….that’s it. Shh….sun. Good girl.

The employee at Sonic happy hour:

Would you like any mozzarella sticks to go with your Diet Coke today?

Me: No thanks, not today.

Real response: Yes I would, actually. I’d like them in my mouth hole. I’d also like a chocolate shake, a corndog, and any thing else in that little hut of yours that is fried and can give me a heart attack…but see, I have to get this ass into a swimsuit girl. So unless I ask for any of it by name, then shut your face and bring me my goddam Diet Coke!

 Judgy person I barely know who overheard my story about the casino:

I just don’t understand throwing money away like that. I couldn’t do it.

Me: Well, I have problems. (chuckle chuckle)

Real response: Well it’s a good thing you don’t go to casinos bitch, because with my luck I would probably get stuck at a machine right next to you and you would want to “chat.” Walk away fun-hater. Walk away. That’s right…loser.

Everyone of the people at Target staring as my toddler throws a gigantic ridiculous fit because he doesn’t want to sit down in the cart:

Stares and glares and a few loud gasps.

Me: Oh…he just needs a nap. (forced smile)

Real response: Fuck you all! Quit looking at me! What is wrong with you people, haven’t you ever seen a baby do a back handspring in a shopping cart before? Why don’t you get out score cards and rate his performance you critical pieces of horse shit!

The nurse at the doctor’s office:

Okay, why don’t you hop up there on the scale…

Me: Okay sure, should I set down my purse?

Real response: Why don’t you? I’ll tell you what…you hop on up there, and I’ll do it after you. Only you can “hop up” and on my turn, I’ll scowl and hunch over in a pissy-like fashion and we’ll see if hopping proves to make it a more enjoyable experience. Oh, and I’ll write your results down on a piece of paper for my records. Btw, I am not mad at you, I am mad at me.

 The creepy guy at the stoplight who winks and won’t stop staring:

Me: Awkward smile, pretend to mess with my phone

Real response: Oh yeah, you like this? You want it, huh? You sure about that? I haven’t showered in two days and I got a car full of kids. You wanna be their daddy do ya? Well good, start by giving me money to feed them and then sleep down on the bunkbed with my husband. My bed’s been taken over by minions. Ya asshole.

 It’s probably a good thing I’m a medicated piece of chicken shit. Come to think of it, there is a reason we have internal dialogues, or none of us would have any friends. In fact, several of us would definitely be in jail. ;)

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Mommy Broke the Law

I ripped through the paper wrapper like a mad dog and jammed the straw into the plastic lid. Slurp…perfection. I had felt the start of a caffeine headache coming on and that Diet Coke was just what the doctor ordered. My three little wee ones (let’s call them Numbers 1, 2 , and 3 in birth order, not favoritism I swear) were all happily strapped in behind me in my Town and Country sipping their morning beverages. All was well. We were headed back home.

Blue and red lights began blinking in my rear view mirror. Oh motherfucker I thought. Is he pulling me over? Why yes he is. I found a patch of gravel by the lake off to the right and pulled my vehicle safely to the side.

flickr.com

flickr.com

“What’s happening Mommy?” asked Number 2.

“Oh honey, it’s okay, I think I was speeding,” I replied.

1 and 2 looked behind us and see the policeman sitting in his car.

“Oh no!” cried Number 2, “Are you going to go to jail?”

“Just drive off! Go Mom…Go!” yelled Number 1.

“Boys, it’s fine,” I said calmly. “I’m not going to jail. I was probably going a bit too fast.”

I looked and in the side view mirror and saw a stout little man from the city police department. He was slightly waddling and fidgeting with his waistband. How cliché. I put on my sweetest grin.

“Ma’am, I got you at 42 at the top of the hill and by the bottom you were up to 47. The speed limit here is 35.”

“Oh darn it,” I said sincerely. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t even realize it. That hill is tricky,” I chuckled merrily.

“Okay, I’m gonna need your license and insurance.”

I pulled out my insurance slip that had been stained with some sort of cola or coffee-like substance. He reached out his sausage link fingers and snatched them up, walking back to his car. He hadn’t been exactly “friendly” however I was sure he would come back, tell me to slow down a bit and to have a great day. A simple warning was all.

“I swear you are going to jail!” said Number 1.

“What’s going to happen to us? He is so mean!” yelled Number 2.

Number 3 (who is just a little squirt) was blissfully unaware. He sat and looked around with a binky in his mouth. I turned around and faced the kids.

“You see boys, I was speeding, Mommy broke the law. The police officer has every right to pull me over because this is what happens when grown-ups break the law. He is just doing his job. He has to remind people to slow down. I will have to make sure I watch my speed from now on. This is all my fault.”

I was still smiling all while teaching the kids a very important lesson. Talk about keeping my cool. Besides, I knew the boy in blue would come back and pat my windshield, like a soft pat to the ass and tell me to scoot on down the road. A friendly vocal reminder is all that was going to happen. I watched my side mirror and saw him toddle himself out of the car. He came back up to my window and handed me a slip along with my license and insurance crap.

“You can pay the fine by mail or show up to court, either way I’m going to need you to slow down. Do you have any questions?”

(In my head) Uhh…yeah…what the fuck is wrong with you, you sad little fuck from hell? You donkey dick eating fungus that has nothing better to do with their time then pull over sweet little moms going down hills. You lazy cheating shithead!! It was a hill! I bet your wife hates sleeping with you! In fact…I bet she sleeps hanging off the bed with her legs crossed! I bet you have saggy balls. That’s probably why you waddle asshole! It’s because your balls get stuck in your crack when you sit in that stupid car. I’d like to wear a rubber glove and pull those droopy danglers out and stick them in your mouth so you’d shut the hell up you little troll.

“Umm, no questions officer. Thank you,” I said and rolled up the window. I looked at the ticket. That fucker!

fine

“What’s that Mom?” asked Number 1.

“That’s a ticket that stupid jerk gave me,” I said.

“I thought he was just doing his job. I thought you broke the law,” said Number 2.

“Well he didn’t have to give me a ticket. He could have just giving me a warning. Seriously, that guy was a giant butthead,” I said. I realized that my face was scrunched into a ball and I was speeding off in a fury. Oh crap. I was speeding again. I looked in the distance and saw the red and blue lights flashing. Oh give me break you dick! As I slowed my speed, I realized it was some other poor asshole he was already pulling over. What an effing turd. Phew…at least it wasn’t me this time.

“Yeah, that guy was a total bad word face!” said Number 1.

“Yeah, I’m going to speed when I grow up!” yelled Number 2.

Well, that whole teaching-moment went to hell. But I will say that I learned two things that day. One is that my kids listen to me, way more than I think they do. They pick up on every emotion, every bit of body language, and every fit I throw. The second thing is that cops that sit at the bottom of hills are just hateful little creatures, because the only person I know who doesn’t accelerate on an effing hill is someone who is going UP the fucking thing.

 The End

By the way, even though this is a true story. I like cops, I really do. Just not that particular one. So don’t get mad. The rest of you are cool as shit  :)

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5 Half-Ass Recipes That Your Family Will Love!

People love great recipes! I’m not one of them. Okay, that’s not entirely true. I love eating things that are made from great recipes, however, when it comes to food, I’m more of a consumer rather than a supplier (minus when I was breastfeeding). I have gone out on a limb here to try something new, a blog post about FOOD! So, for all the half-ass cookers, or moms who just fall short of the culinary badge of excellence, (I think I made that up) but anyways, here are some recipes that even the suckiest of us can manage. Let’s do this!

 THE HAMDOGGER

hamdogger

 

This can be made when you have hotdogs, but only have hamburger buns. Its pretty effing good if I do say so myself. Directions: put the wiener (haha! I said wiener) between the burger buns (haha! I said buns) and add mustard and ketchup. Masterpiece.

 

THE DIPSHIT

dip

Do your kids need more calcium? Not sure how to get that extra dose? Let them dip shit in yogurt.  If you’re of the health-conscious variety, this could be done with an apple. But I’m out of apples at the moment. That’s why this is perfect. Just find whatever shit you got laying around, and you have yourself a dipshit. Brilliant.

 

THE PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY CLUB

club

Tired of that same old PB&J? It gets boring doesn’t it? And you’re still hungry once its over, aren’t ya? Never fear! Here’s a new spin on an old favorite! Directions: Make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich as per usual, but wait! You’re not done. Spread some peanut butter and jelly on top of that SOB, throw on another piece of bread, and you’ve just made a triple-decker sandwich. Cut it in to fourths for the sake of being fancy, call it a club and enjoy!

 

THE WAGNEG (WE AIN’T GOT NO EFFING GROCERIES)

pizza

We’ve all been there. It’s been over a week since you’ve been to the store and the pickings are downright slim. The thought of going to the store with hungry kids sounds as delightful as getting a rectal exam by a smokin hot doctor with a mouth-watering accent. Hell no. I gotcha covered. Directions: Call your favorite pizza place, order, enjoy!

 

WRAPPED CRAP VARIETY PLATTER

wrapcrap

This is one of my specialties. This is not only simple, but you literally can throw this together and then throw it all away. You basically take everything you can find in your fridge and pantry that has a wrapper and throw it on a paper plate. You’ll be surprised at what a well-balanced situation you can come up with. Eff the stove. Eff the dishes. Your kids will be happy and so will you.

You don’t have to be one of the Pinterest Pot Roast Pinners to serve your family great food. Remember, those ladies may rock it out in the kitchen, but they will be also be busy scrubbing dishes all night, while you have already moved on to your after-dinner cocktail! So cheers to you and your time management! You are still a Supermom!

Click a share button down below if you like this and thank you SO very much! :)

And check out my both of my books on Amazon!

The Unbalancing Act (crazy humorous fiction unlike anything you’ve ever read before)

The Vada Diaries (Short Stories, about that crazy mother from The Unbalancing Act)

Fun During The Great Depression; Images That Would Have Made Them Smile!

I’ve blogged about what what it would be like If Our Great-Grandmothers Would’ve Had Facebook and Twitter, but what if they would have had images to share? During the Great Depression, they really could have used a little entertainment.

Image

lemon

Image

Image

Image

DEP

wedlock

stocks

  Share with a button below if you like it and don’t forget to check out my books, if you like the blog! (and if you like laughing) I know that’s a lot of if’s, but you can do it. :) Thanks!

 

Douche Alert: Husband Do’s and Don’ts

Hey guys, I’m trying to help you out. Don’t be a douche…

DON’T: Check out other women in front of your wife. Keep your eyes on your own freaking paper.

DO: Make your wife feel like she is the only woman in the room that you would ever be attracted to. All the other women may as well have big hairy testicles growing out of their chins for all you care…even that hot blonde in the corner who keeps bending at the waist.

WARNING!

ALERT!

DON’T: Bitch about being tired. Seriously, if you haven’t been pregnant or up all night feeding a baby, then you don’t know jack SHIT about what tired feels like.

DO: Let your wife sleep in once in a while. Get up with the kids (without it being Mother’s Day) and treat her to a little extra sleep. She’ll most likely return the favor after the kids go to bed…on your ding dong.

DON’T: Ask your wife to work out or to lose weight. I love how the guys who do this are usually the ones who could stand to lose a few pounds themselves. If you are a guy who does this or has ever done this, go get a small hammer or a mallet and whack yourself in the nuts as hard as you can. You deserve it.

DO: Find your lady’s most beloved body part(s) and make a huge frigging deal about it. Tell her what you LOVE about her. If its her jugs, fine. If its her eyes, tell her. Make a list. Write it down. Ladies need to know the good stuff.

DON’T: Be one of those guys who’s afraid to show your feelings. You don’t have to be a hard-ass all the time. Macho isn’t cool. It just makes you look like a pricky tool with no soul.

DO: Help your wife with laundry, chores, etc…it will ease her stress. And as a bonus, it will teach your son to be a good husband someday, and it will teach your daughter that women were not simply created to take care of men.

 DON’T: Expect your lady to always be there. If you don’t treat her good, there is someone out there who will, and much to your dismay it will probably be someone really hot with lots of money and a great big…dog that guards his mansion.

DO: Date your wife. Surprise her. Let her dress up and take her out; just the two of you. Hint: Go somewhere that doesn’t take coupons and that has a wine list.

DON’T: Make her feel guilty. Don’t ask her how long her trip to Target is going to take. Don’t ask her if it’s a #1 or a #2 when she excuses herself to go to the bathroom, because God forbid you have to be alone with the kids for more than ten minutes. Don’t be that a-hole.

DO: Give the girl a break. If you see that she’s stressed, pour her a glass of wine, or hand her the keys and tell her to go take a break and walk around a store. (Not in that order…no drinking and driving)

 DON’T: Talk about intimate details of your sex life with your buddies. It’s okay to joke around with your pals in a vague way, but intimacy is intimate and you shouldn’t spill intimate details about your intimately intimate moments with someone you’re not intimate with. Get it? Good.

DO: Talk about your wife to your friends like she is the most respected and important person in your life, because that’s what she is! Get it now? Good. Glad we’re clear.

DON’T: Call her a mean name. Like ever. If you call her a bitch, be prepared for her to act like one. And…be prepared for her mother to come after you with a frying pan…to your face.

DO: Have a pet name. It doesn’t have to be cheesy, like NibbleCake, or BabyBuns. But a term of endearment never hurt anyone. Something like Goddess, Master, or Queen of the Everything will do just fine.

DON’T: Try to look better than your wife. You should NOT take longer to get ready than she does. This is not acceptable, unless you wear make-up and in that instance I would say that’s none of my damn business.

DO: Always keep up your personal hygiene. Make sure you smell good. Brush your teeth before you kiss her, never go without deodorant, and dab a little something on your neck. She’ll wanna wrap her arms around you and sniff you…

Just as long as you’re not acting like a douche! Good Luck out there guys. You got this.

Check out my books The Unbalancing Act  and The Vada Diaries if you love fiction and laughing…at the same time.

14 Slightly Untraditional Ideas For Keeping Your Kids Busy This Summer (So You Don’t Go Crazy)

1. Give them a small shovel and tell them they can dig their way to China. This one is a must!

JUST KEEP DIGGING, YOU"LL GET THERE!

JUST KEEP DIGGING, YOU’LL GET THERE!

2. If they can swim, throw pennies in the pool and tell them to go and find them and bring them back to you. Rinse. Repeat.

THIS COULD BE YOUR CHAIR!!!

THIS CHAIR COULD BE YOURS!!!

3. Make mandatory thirty minutes of quiet reading time in their room per day. They think this is to sharpen their reading skills, (and it is) but it will also give you a half-hour of peace and quiet.

CHOOSE THEIR BOOKS CAREFULLY!

CHOOSE THEIR BOOKS CAREFULLY!

4. Tell them to pick weeds and that they’ll get a penny for each weed they dig up. *Note that this is only if your yard is looking rough and keep in mind that you’re technically teaching your kids to sell weed.

5. Let them water the grass with Solo cups full of water or let them use water guns. You sit on the porch and read, I mean…supervise.

KEEP GOING, YOU"RE DOING GREAT!

KEEP GOING SWEETHEART, YOU’RE DOING GREAT!

6. Teach them how to make prank phone calls…to their grandparents.

7. Tell them to search the block for rocks shaped like a butt. If you have boys, you will end up with hours of entertainment…and tons of rocks that actually look like butts.

8. Give them old tupperware and plastic spoons and let them make mudpies. They are just going to jump in the pool later and you know your tupperware spills out of your cabinet everytime you open the door, so let’s kill two birds with one stone here.

9. Teach them how to make you breakfast in bed. They get up so effing early anyway, so you may as well benefit from it.

10. Fill up a small plastic swimming pool with soapy water and have them wash toys. You know some of those old Legos have some funky e-coli hanging out in there somewhere.

11. Turn on Full House reruns. They get a wholesome family program and you get…John Stamos!

12. Drink! Get in the car and drive to Sonic for Happy Hour. Be careful though, I once had an early reader asking me where the “happy whore” was. I looked all around for a smiling gal in fishnets and heels, only to find out he was reading the sign.

NOT THIS KIND, AT LEAST UNTIL LATER

NOT THIS KIND OF DRINK. THAT’S FOR LATER

13. Teach them “light as a feather, stiff as a board.” You know that they will have an awesome time finding themselves floating in mid-air, just like we did, right???

14. Teach them to play poker. I’m not kidding. It’s a game of strategy and they will be quiet and seated for long periods of time. Plus, it will motivate them to get those chores done. Gotta have cold hard cash to buy into the game. One more benefit to this, is that it will make your kid a total badass. Sorry…it’s true.

JACKPOT!

JACKPOT!

Summer is here and there isn’t a damn thing we can do to stop it. Unless your kids are Phineus and Ferb, it can be tough to keep them busy! Hope this helped a little bit.

Please share this if you like it. There are lots of little buttons down there! Have a great summer :)