How To Catch Fruit Flies If You Are A Crazy Person

WTF? Do you see this? I have fruit flies in my kitchen! Damn floot fries! I mean fwoot fwies. I mean floot flies!

EFFING FRUIT FLIES!!!

This was me…2 weeks ago. My kitchen was swarming with those little bastards! I’m not a dirty person! How could I possibly have an infestation of these awful critters? They don’t bite or sting…but they are gross. They were coming up out of the sink. They were hanging out in the pantry. They threw a little party in my mouth hole when I was calling my kids to come down for dinner. No mercy was shown on my part. I’d smack them around while calling them names. At one point I remember clapping my hands in the air trying to squash them while yelling, “Die you little motherfuckers! Die!”

Yep…they got the better of me…but they didn’t get the best. I had a plan, and it was intense.

TRAPS!

I was going to catch every last one of them with my homemade traps.

First, I made this one:

trap1

I didn’t have cling wrap so I put my thinking cap on and I used painters tape and a cut up Ziplock baggie, strawberries, and vinegar. I poked holes in the top as you can see.

Next, I saw somewhere on planet Google, that funnels were a good idea, so I made this little beauty:

funnel

I added soap to the vinegar/strawberry combo and again used painters tape to make a funnel.

Unsure if these creations would work, I made an orange juice trap out of a Seagram’s soda bottle:

ojtrap

I even texted my friend, see…

textoj

I hadn’t yet caught a single fly, so I found some guacamole and made a trap out of that:

guac

I desperately ran around checking each trap and everytime I did the fruit flies that would have been dead meat, would scatter. I was sabotaging my own plans!!! I had officially lost it! I didn’t think there was enough traps! It wasn’t that they weren’t working, right??? It was that there weren’t enough traps!! Silly me!

There was one idea I had left…I found a citrus flavored laxative drink thingy, because first of all, you never know when you might need it, and secondly I read on the world wide interweb somewhere, that these sick little pricks are attracted to citrus-y stuff!

lax

So I pondered the idea, questioned myself, and consulted with my friend again:

alotof1

Ultimately I decided to not waste good wine, or a good laxative on these little beasts. I let my traps lie for about 5 days. The results were shocking!!!

I caught about 23 fruit flies. 23 out of about 9,000. I tried to be proud of myself. I gave it my all. And hey 23 is better than nothing, right? I mean those 23 flies could have all had little baby flies and I’d have 23 more litters of tiny winged assholes taking over my home.

It wasn’t a total loss. I figured heck, once it cools off (the first freeze in a few months) they’ll die off. But then…I found this spawn from hell in a refreshing Kettle Soda cocktail I made at the end of a long day.

vodkafly

Game back on. You don’t mess with expensive vodka.

So, I found a trap at Walmart yesterday and it was one of two left on the shelf. So I bought them both.

LOOK!!!!!

walt

Less than 24 hours later I’ve caught more floot fwies, I mean fruit flies than I did in 5 days with my homemade traps (the other store bought trap has about the same amount of fly carcasses). So am I satisfied? Hell yeah. What next you ask? I’m going to what any (rational) person would do of course. I’m going to the other Walmart across town and I’m going to buy all the traps they have left.

This is how I caught fruit fries, I mean fruit flies. But…my advice as an expert:

Skip all the traps and go to Walmart before the secret gets out and all the traps are gone. Hurry up. They’re probably all doing it doggy style right now in your sink and they’re all getting pregnant!! Go! Go! Go!!!!

Dear Future Daughter-In-Law:

Oh sweetheart, what can I say…? Let me start with a thank you for loving my son. He is just as precious as can be, isn’t he? So many great qualities. I know he’s only three years old now, but I’m pretty sure he’ll be quite the catch by the time you find him. I mean look:

He’s sweet:

sweet

He’s cool:

cool

He practices good hygiene:

hygiene

I mean what’d I tell ya? He’s like magic. You are one lucky lady.

But…and this is just a side note, I am working on a few things to prepare him to be the husband you will need and want him to be.

I mean, he does shit like this:

thiss

And that:

this

He can throw fits:

pouty

But listen, a lot of guys are like that. So, please…go easy on him.

In the mean time, I’m going to promise to do my best to make sure he learns the important stuff that will someday make him a good husband like:

  1. Doing laundry
  2. Saying “I love you” (often)
  3. Saying “I’m sorry” when he screws up
  4. Unloading the the dishwasher instead of putting a dirty dish in the stupid freaking sink because he should never be too freaking lazy to unload the freaking dishwasher because it’s not always YOUR freaking job
  5. Carrying your luggage whenever he can (screw that part of feminism, I like it when my husband helps me with heavy bags, dammit)
  6. Flushing the toilet and practicing all other necessary bathroom etiquette
  7. Showing that he cares by acknowledging birthdays, Valentine’s Day, anniversaries, etc…(you’ll thank me for this one)
  8. Treating all women with respect, because they are all someone’s mother/sister/daughter
  9. Taking out the trash when it’s full and never leaving it sitting there attracting flies and overflowing for you to have to deal with (if he does this, call me and I’ll rip him a new one)
  10. Never EVER calling anyone names (except his brothers because ya know, brothers just do that)
  11. Loving without conditions
  12. Calling his mother everyday (this is more for me than you honey, sorry I slipped this in here)
  13. Giving compliments!!!
  14. Holding hands
  15. Using a mop and a broom and Hallelujah…a vacuum!
  16. Making coffee
  17. Killing bugs, even if they are disgusting little fruit flies or giant yellow-eyed spiders, because someday you may have fruit flies take over your kitchen and you can’t kill all them damn things by yourself. You need plenty of traps and a strategy and you have to work as a team to make sure there are no unnecessary food particles left around the house or those little bastards will never go away (trust me on this). And spiders are just gross, so ya know…
  18. How to basically not be a douche (this is huge)

So see lovey, I’ll be doing my best over the next many many years to help you out. Thinking about the man he will become is going to be a huge factor in how I raise him. Plus, I’m thinking of you. I’m investing a lot of time in this little dude and I want the best for you both. Besides, we’ll be family some day! I think you and I are going to get along just fine. We already have one thing in common…we love this guy!

So, future daughter-law, I’m NOT perfect as you can see, but I’m doing my best to concentrate on the important things…for him and for you.

Just please remember this when I’m drunk on the floor holding onto his ankle, while violently sobbing during your first dance at your reception and wiping tears on the train of your wedding dress.

(I’m sorry in advance.)

Good luck. You may need it. xoxo!

Your future Mother-In-Law (or whatever you want to call me)

Moms Say The Darndest Things

We all know that kids can say funny, adorable, and sometimes shocking things. But what about moms? Well, we can say some crazy shit too. Here are some actual and (I’m not kidding) real life things that have come out of my mouth over the last few ass-kicking summer days.

*Honey, it’s not polite to put your wiener on my arm.

*If you ask me where your i-pod is one more time, I mean even one more time…I will take my hands like this, and I will pull on my lips until my entire mouth comes off and then…oh and then I will roll my mouth into a ball and throw it off the back deck and a wild animal will probably come and eat it.

*Will you just shut—up—town funk you up. K thanks.

*Yes, I can see that you are thirsty sweetness, but I’m on the toilet. See how I am sitting down and I have pee coming out of me? So yeah, you may have to go make your own drink or go to Starbucks and find a barista who is NOT peeing to make one for you.

*Hush for a second, Mommy is praying for God to give me patience with you.

*Find another place to sword fight you guys. It’s really hard to wax my lip with all this going on. It hurts. Think about how you’d feel if YOU were pulling hair out of your body and people were whacking swords all around you! Think of others!

*Whoever made that made smell needs to apologize to everyone in this room.

*No need to Facetime me darling, we are in the same room. It was kind of funny the first 4 times, but I’m kinda getting over that funny part and moving into the grouchier part of this whole process.

*I love every single thing about your face. I even love it when you are scrunching it up because you are so mad at me.

*If you wake up your little brother I am going to call somebody!! (I have no idea who I was going to call, but apparently it was somebody with a phone)

*Are you seriously asking me what do to while your game is loading??? You’re bored while you download an app? Are you serious??? Well all I can say is maybe dance a little jig. If you don’t know what a jig is, well then Google it.

*Crunchy tacos are the same flippin’ thing as soft tacos! One just crunches, okay? In the words of Katy Perry, IT’S NO BIG DEAL! IT’S NO BIG DEAL. IT’S NO BIG DEAL. THIS IS NO BIG DEAL!!!

*Well sweetie, I’m sorry. Your Lego guy will just have to wait his turn because it’s Mommy’s turn to take a shower.

*If I ever teach you anything in this life, let it be that your fingers should always smell clean.

*Way to go buddy! You did it. That was a big pee-pee you made! I love it when you pee!!

*This is my magic wand and when I say the magic words, this room will be cleaned….by YOU. Abracadabra…Alacazamm…Make these boys clean up this room so they don’t get in big fat trouble and I don’t lose my mind and hit myself in the face with this wand.

*I love you triple infinity and a million, plus one. So…top that. Boo-ya.

*Oh my God, please don’t lick me.

*Listen, if you do not scoot over and give me some room on this bed, then I will scream. Then, I leave here and drive to the mattress store and ask them to let me sleep there. And I’ll take this blanket with me.

They may not be our proudest moments, but they happen. And when they do, write them down. You may surprise yourself as you reflect on how batshit crazy you actually are. 

Back-Handed Compliments

Back-handed compliments are much like a sweet little hug followed by a kick in the shin. I actually find them to be quite funny. My normal response is just to laugh them off, but in my head there is a whole different story going on. Sarcasm is my middle name, so I am not offended. I’m just an internal smart-ass, as I’m sure many of us are. Here are some actual BHC’s (back-handed compliments) and IMH’s (in my head) reactions that I have had. Enjoy.

BHC: Oh my gosh…you look so much like Mariah Carey! I can’t stand her.

IMH: Well thanks a fuckin’ lot. You look like an asshole.

*

BHC: Your kids are so cute, especially that one.

IMH: What in the actual fuck do you mean “especially that one?” They are ALL equally cute you dick and you best be moving along now before my meds wear off and I have to handle this situation.

*

BHC: Oh I wish I could have your life and be a stay-at-home mom with no responsibilities.

IMH: Somebody hold my imaginary apron. I’m ’bout to smack a bitch.

*

BHC: Remember back when your house was always so clean?

IMH: Why yes. Yes I do. That’s because I didn’t have three boys and two dogs. You wanna try it? Take them all home for a day and I’ll come pick them up tomorrow and remind you of when YOUR house used to be so clean.

*

BHC: Cute purse. It honestly looks real.

IMH: Real? Like a real Fendi or some other real expensive bag? It’s from Tar-jay and it’s “real” full of fruit snacks, goldfish, and a few Pull-Ups. So piss off, oh mighty pretentious one.

*

BHC: You are almost back to your pre-baby weight! What is it, like ten more pounds?

IMH: Thank you. I’m super glad you are openly evaluating my weight. Shall we now discuss yours and see how it feels? In fact, why don’t we just get out the damn scale and see if either one of us truly wants to discuss our weight right now. Whadya say?

*

BHC: It must be so nice to not have to worry about how you look everyday.

IMH: Shhhhh……just shh…..there’s something about what you said that makes it seem as if you think I look like crap. I don’t know what would lead me to that conclusion, but I’m in full hair and make-up right now, so shhh…this is my personal best.

*

BHC: Your personality reminds me of Bethanny Frankel, even though she’s kind of a bitch.

IMH: Get off my jock. Blow me.

*

BHC: The way you do things just cracks me up.

IMH: Well aren’t you just a complimentary little sucker! I’m pretty sure that’s a nice way of saying that I’m a hot mess. You my friend, would be 100% correct. But I’m so happy that I give you a good chuckle. I’m here for your entertainment.

So the next time you receive a BHC…smile, thank them and mentally let ’em have it. It works for me :)

Warning: Are Pool Days Right For You?

Summer break is upon us. Pool days can create wonderful memories that will last a lifetime. Although this is often viewed as an overall pleasurable experience, the beginning of swimming pool season may cause some people to experience the following side-effects: mild panic attacks, anxiety, excitement, fear, sweating, abdominal pain, nail-biting, stomach sucking-in, and emergency sets of sit-ups and/or squats. Having children to take with you to the pool increases these risks. If you do select to go to the pool on any given day, it is because you and your family have decided that the benefits of going to the pool outweigh these risks. Here is some additional information to keep in mind when deciding if pool days are right for you:

  1. Shaving. The armpits, legs, and bikini area will need to be shaved. It’s pretty much a guarantee that you WILL experience razor burn directly surrounding the entire V-shaped area of the crotch. Redness and a fuckity little rash will appear and could cause embarrassment, leg crossing, non-movement, itching, and reluctancy to take off one’s cover-up. Be sure to use caution while using your razor, for nicking the skin in this delicate area is likely to cause bleeding that remains unnoticeable until you arrive at the pool. This could unfortunately draw more attention to your nether region that already looks like it’s been stung by bees and worked over with sand paper.
  2. Bloating. It is highly likely that when putting on a swimsuit, you will experience immediate stomach bloating. No one knows why this occurs, but you will swear that your stomach wasn’t that full ten minutes prior. Possible explanations are gas, the need to pass a motion, or excess water weight. If one and two don’t work, go with the water weight excuse.
  3. Over-packing. You may end up looking like a bell hop, as you will be carrying quite a bit of luggage. Toys, towels, drinks, sunscreen, snacks, and other miscellaneous items that you just “must have” will likely take up several totes and it’s probable that you’ll drop several things on your way into the pool area. A wagon and/or child helpers are recommended.
  4. Muscle tension. Flexing, arching, and breath-holding are common when baring it all in a bathing suit. Having children increases these risks as you will also be in high-alert mode. Your eyes will likely dart this way and that and it is not uncommon to feel your blood pressure rise at this time. This is because the mother in you is ready to dive in after your children at any given moment, whether they are good swimmers or not. Remember to take deep breaths and relax your shoulders to avoid muscle pain.
  5. Frustration. One can only hear the words, “Marco,” and “Polo” so many times before one wants to shove the polo up Marco’s ass-o. After roughly 15 torturous minutes of the children playing this game at an ear drum piercing volume, it is highly recommended that you call the youngsters out for a snack. This will shut them up and give your ears some well-deserved peace.
  6. Awkwardness. You may find yourself easing your body (starting with only your feet) slowly into the water to join your child. Another pool-goer may also be there with his/her child. You’ll exchange pleasantries and ask how old each other’s children are. Then you will realize that there is nothing else to talk about. It is at this time you will also wonder if this person notices your razor burn.

The swimming pool isn’t for everyone. Dickheads, chair hogs (who take up three chairs with their belongings and don’t even use the actual chairs), and those who pee in the pool are urged not to swim. Do not make multiple pool plans or purchase a pool pass until you know how a swimming day will affect you. Quit swimming and exit immediately if you hit a warm spot in an otherwise cold-water pool. This could be a sign of another swimmer’s urination. Apply sunscreen frequently. Be careful not to apply sunscreen to the palm of a young child’s hands as they will immediately rub it right in their eyeball. Use caution when exiting the pool area, as your bottoms will most likely need to be adjusted and pulled from your crack.

The swimming season is supposed to be an enjoyable and fun experience. You may have to test the waters to determine how often pool days are right for you. Don’t forget to hydrate. Be safe. Have fun. And good fucking luck.

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Dear People Who Make Maxi Dresses

Get your shit together. You don’t have much time.

Summer is fast approaching. Many women that I know consider “summer” to be when their kids get out of school on break. Some believe it starts when the weather turns hot. Some of the overachievers even know exactly when the calendar date starts for that shit (I’m not one of them). It’s about time to pull out the sandals, the tank tops, shorts, and the summer dresses. The funnest part, is going and buying a few new pieces to add to our summer collection. I wear the shit out of clothes, but I do enjoy something new. I personally love the maxi dress, and there are a few good reasons why:

  1. I don’t want to shave my legs sometimes and the length of a maxi dress covers any leg hair that may prickly and painful to the touch, or in more severe cases, slightly curling.
  2. After wearing sweats and yoga pants for like…eva…it feels great to throw on a summer maxi and feel it flow. See, “maxi” and “flow” when used together, isn’t always a bad thing.
  3. My legs are as white as printer paper. I mean they haven’t seen the light of day in so long, that if someone saw them bare at this point, they would likely think I had been bitten by a vampire and all the blood supply had been drained from my body.
  4. Versatility! You can dress them up for a night out, or down for a trip to the park with the kids. I consider “dressing it up” to be putting on lipstick, but whatevs.
  5. Safety! An unexpected gust of wind isn’t going to expose your lady-bits to everyone around you, like it does when wearing a short dress. And we all know this happens when our hands are full, so it’s definitely not a sexy Marilyn Monroe moment. We may have grocery sacks, or a baby in our arms and in an effort to combat the wind may be shaking around as if spiders are crawling in our cracks. It ain’t pretty.

But here’s the down-low on some of us who are…well…down low. We can’t fit into those fucking dresses. They drag the ground. I know what you are thinking. Just get them hemmed, right? Umm…no thanks. I’m 5 ft tall and have already had to do that with pants and jeans for many years and it takes time and more importantly, more MONEY to get alterations. It’s not cheap and it’s certainly not fun. Don’t ruin all the perks of the maxi dress, by making us jump through hoops to wear one. I mean shit, look at it this way…we’re fucking trying, okay? We occasionally want to wear something fun. Is that too much to ask?

Don’t hate me yet if you are tall. I have heard a similar complaint from the tall ladies, saying maxi dresses are too short for them. So what…you hate them too? You really are a piece of work, you People Who Make Maxi Dresses. See, we all want to walk into a store and be able to buy a dress off the goddam rack just like the only 25% of the population who are the precisely perfect height to wear them! How hard can this be? First world problems I know. BUT…here’s a solution:

SHORT, REGULAR, AND LONG LENGTHS!!!

All of you, People Who Make Maxi Dresses, will make more money, and we, the talls the smalls and the medium heights, will all be rockin your frocks around town. We’ll look hot and you’ll be richer. So what’s the hold up? I’m telling you right now, there’s a market out there. I’m setting the bait baby and now, all you have to do is reel it in. We come in all different shapes and sizes, and we ALL deserve to feel beautiful and keep our legs as furry as we wish while still feeling comfortable and summery. So go on People Who Make Maxi Dresses, get out your measuring tapes and your sewing machines. But you best get your shit together soon, because like I said…the kids are almost out of school, the weather’s about to turn hot, and somebody somewhere is likely to have a calendar that proves summer is just around the corner. It’s coming, whether you like it or not.

In the mean time…I’ll be waiting and I ain’t getting any taller.

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