Back-Handed Compliments

Back-handed compliments are much like a sweet little hug followed by a kick in the shin. I actually find them to be quite funny. My normal response is just to laugh them off, but in my head there is a whole different story going on. Sarcasm is my middle name, so I am not offended. I’m just an internal smart-ass, as I’m sure many of us are. Here are some actual BHC’s (back-handed compliments) and IMH’s (in my head) reactions that I have had. Enjoy.

BHC: Oh my gosh…you look so much like Mariah Carey! I can’t stand her.

IMH: Well thanks a fuckin’ lot. You look like an asshole.

*

BHC: Your kids are so cute, especially that one.

IMH: What in the actual fuck do you mean “especially that one?” They are ALL equally cute you dick and you best be moving along now before my meds wear off and I have to handle this situation.

*

BHC: Oh I wish I could have your life and be a stay-at-home mom with no responsibilities.

IMH: Somebody hold my imaginary apron. I’m ’bout to smack a bitch.

*

BHC: Remember back when your house was always so clean?

IMH: Why yes. Yes I do. That’s because I didn’t have three boys and two dogs. You wanna try it? Take them all home for a day and I’ll come pick them up tomorrow and remind you of when YOUR house used to be so clean.

*

BHC: Cute purse. It honestly looks real.

IMH: Real? Like a real Fendi or some other real expensive bag? It’s from Tar-jay and it’s “real” full of fruit snacks, goldfish, and a few Pull-Ups. So piss off, oh mighty pretentious one.

*

BHC: You are almost back to your pre-baby weight! What is it, like ten more pounds?

IMH: Thank you. I’m super glad you are openly evaluating my weight. Shall we now discuss yours and see how it feels? In fact, why don’t we just get out the damn scale and see if either one of us truly wants to discuss our weight right now. Whadya say?

*

BHC: It must be so nice to not have to worry about how you look everyday.

IMH: Shhhhh……just shh…..there’s something about what you said that makes it seem as if you think I look like crap. I don’t know what would lead me to that conclusion, but I’m in full hair and make-up right now, so shhh…this is my personal best.

*

BHC: Your personality reminds me of Bethanny Frankel, even though she’s kind of a bitch.

IMH: Get off my jock. Blow me.

*

BHC: The way you do things just cracks me up.

IMH: Well aren’t you just a complimentary little sucker! I’m pretty sure that’s a nice way of saying that I’m a hot mess. You my friend, would be 100% correct. But I’m so happy that I give you a good chuckle. I’m here for your entertainment.

So the next time you receive a BHC…smile, thank them and mentally let ’em have it. It works for me :)

Warning: Are Pool Days Right For You?

Summer break is upon us. Pool days can create wonderful memories that will last a lifetime. Although this is often viewed as an overall pleasurable experience, the beginning of swimming pool season may cause some people to experience the following side-effects: mild panic attacks, anxiety, excitement, fear, sweating, abdominal pain, nail-biting, stomach sucking-in, and emergency sets of sit-ups and/or squats. Having children to take with you to the pool increases these risks. If you do select to go to the pool on any given day, it is because you and your family have decided that the benefits of going to the pool outweigh these risks. Here is some additional information to keep in mind when deciding if pool days are right for you:

  1. Shaving. The armpits, legs, and bikini area will need to be shaved. It’s pretty much a guarantee that you WILL experience razor burn directly surrounding the entire V-shaped area of the crotch. Redness and a fuckity little rash will appear and could cause embarrassment, leg crossing, non-movement, itching, and reluctancy to take off one’s cover-up. Be sure to use caution while using your razor, for nicking the skin in this delicate area is likely to cause bleeding that remains unnoticeable until you arrive at the pool. This could unfortunately draw more attention to your nether region that already looks like it’s been stung by bees and worked over with sand paper.
  2. Bloating. It is highly likely that when putting on a swimsuit, you will experience immediate stomach bloating. No one knows why this occurs, but you will swear that your stomach wasn’t that full ten minutes prior. Possible explanations are gas, the need to pass a motion, or excess water weight. If one and two don’t work, go with the water weight excuse.
  3. Over-packing. You may end up looking like a bell hop, as you will be carrying quite a bit of luggage. Toys, towels, drinks, sunscreen, snacks, and other miscellaneous items that you just “must have” will likely take up several totes and it’s probable that you’ll drop several things on your way into the pool area. A wagon and/or child helpers are recommended.
  4. Muscle tension. Flexing, arching, and breath-holding are common when baring it all in a bathing suit. Having children increases these risks as you will also be in high-alert mode. Your eyes will likely dart this way and that and it is not uncommon to feel your blood pressure rise at this time. This is because the mother in you is ready to dive in after your children at any given moment, whether they are good swimmers or not. Remember to take deep breaths and relax your shoulders to avoid muscle pain.
  5. Frustration. One can only hear the words, “Marco,” and “Polo” so many times before one wants to shove the polo up Marco’s ass-o. After roughly 15 torturous minutes of the children playing this game at an ear drum piercing volume, it is highly recommended that you call the youngsters out for a snack. This will shut them up and give your ears some well-deserved peace.
  6. Awkwardness. You may find yourself easing your body (starting with only your feet) slowly into the water to join your child. Another pool-goer may also be there with his/her child. You’ll exchange pleasantries and ask how old each other’s children are. Then you will realize that there is nothing else to talk about. It is at this time you will also wonder if this person notices your razor burn.

The swimming pool isn’t for everyone. Dickheads, chair hogs (who take up three chairs with their belongings and don’t even use the actual chairs), and those who pee in the pool are urged not to swim. Do not make multiple pool plans or purchase a pool pass until you know how a swimming day will affect you. Quit swimming and exit immediately if you hit a warm spot in an otherwise cold-water pool. This could be a sign of another swimmer’s urination. Apply sunscreen frequently. Be careful not to apply sunscreen to the palm of a young child’s hands as they will immediately rub it right in their eyeball. Use caution when exiting the pool area, as your bottoms will most likely need to be adjusted and pulled from your crack.

The swimming season is supposed to be an enjoyable and fun experience. You may have to test the waters to determine how often pool days are right for you. Don’t forget to hydrate. Be safe. Have fun. And good fucking luck.

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Dear People Who Make Maxi Dresses

Get your shit together. You don’t have much time.

Summer is fast approaching. Many women that I know consider “summer” to be when their kids get out of school on break. Some believe it starts when the weather turns hot. Some of the overachievers even know exactly when the calendar date starts for that shit (I’m not one of them). It’s about time to pull out the sandals, the tank tops, shorts, and the summer dresses. The funnest part, is going and buying a few new pieces to add to our summer collection. I wear the shit out of clothes, but I do enjoy something new. I personally love the maxi dress, and there are a few good reasons why:

  1. I don’t want to shave my legs sometimes and the length of a maxi dress covers any leg hair that may prickly and painful to the touch, or in more severe cases, slightly curling.
  2. After wearing sweats and yoga pants for like…eva…it feels great to throw on a summer maxi and feel it flow. See, “maxi” and “flow” when used together, isn’t always a bad thing.
  3. My legs are as white as printer paper. I mean they haven’t seen the light of day in so long, that if someone saw them bare at this point, they would likely think I had been bitten by a vampire and all the blood supply had been drained from my body.
  4. Versatility! You can dress them up for a night out, or down for a trip to the park with the kids. I consider “dressing it up” to be putting on lipstick, but whatevs.
  5. Safety! An unexpected gust of wind isn’t going to expose your lady-bits to everyone around you, like it does when wearing a short dress. And we all know this happens when our hands are full, so it’s definitely not a sexy Marilyn Monroe moment. We may have grocery sacks, or a baby in our arms and in an effort to combat the wind may be shaking around as if spiders are crawling in our cracks. It ain’t pretty.

But here’s the down-low on some of us who are…well…down low. We can’t fit into those fucking dresses. They drag the ground. I know what you are thinking. Just get them hemmed, right? Umm…no thanks. I’m 5 ft tall and have already had to do that with pants and jeans for many years and it takes time and more importantly, more MONEY to get alterations. It’s not cheap and it’s certainly not fun. Don’t ruin all the perks of the maxi dress, by making us jump through hoops to wear one. I mean shit, look at it this way…we’re fucking trying, okay? We occasionally want to wear something fun. Is that too much to ask?

Don’t hate me yet if you are tall. I have heard a similar complaint from the tall ladies, saying maxi dresses are too short for them. So what…you hate them too? You really are a piece of work, you People Who Make Maxi Dresses. See, we all want to walk into a store and be able to buy a dress off the goddam rack just like the only 25% of the population who are the precisely perfect height to wear them! How hard can this be? First world problems I know. BUT…here’s a solution:

SHORT, REGULAR, AND LONG LENGTHS!!!

All of you, People Who Make Maxi Dresses, will make more money, and we, the talls the smalls and the medium heights, will all be rockin your frocks around town. We’ll look hot and you’ll be richer. So what’s the hold up? I’m telling you right now, there’s a market out there. I’m setting the bait baby and now, all you have to do is reel it in. We come in all different shapes and sizes, and we ALL deserve to feel beautiful and keep our legs as furry as we wish while still feeling comfortable and summery. So go on People Who Make Maxi Dresses, get out your measuring tapes and your sewing machines. But you best get your shit together soon, because like I said…the kids are almost out of school, the weather’s about to turn hot, and somebody somewhere is likely to have a calendar that proves summer is just around the corner. It’s coming, whether you like it or not.

In the mean time…I’ll be waiting and I ain’t getting any taller.

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My Relationship Status…With Legos

Hoe-lee-moe-lee-wut-in-the-hay-ell was that??? Damn Lego. We’ve all been there. We’ve all cussed out a Lego in our minds or maybe even out loud after stepping on one. But what we must remember is that these little plastic bricks of wonder have also saved many ‘o mother from losing their shiz-nit. That is because Legos are like a party that never ends. The opportunities are truly endless and the kids love it. If you are anything like me, your relationship status with Legos…well ~ it’s complicated.

For example:

My three boys were playing Legos at the table last night while I was making a craptastic dinner. It kept them all busy and away from the stove. Love that. But then, well this happened…

text

 

So, he’s basically gonna shit a brick. Fortunately, it was a fluorescent green brick, so it should be easy to spot. It baffles me though, because he ate it on purpose! And it happened so fast, I couldn’t stop it. Granted, he is three and many people may gasp at my letting him play with these, but he has two older brothers and has NEVER put a Lego in his mouth before. He had every intention of swallowing that little sucker before he popped it in his food trap. I even heard him say “yummy” afterwards, so apparently they are tasty too. Who knew?

Then, there is the price. These are expensive as hell. You pay a fortune for a set, your child puts it together and then up in a “safe place.” All is well in Lego-land, at least until one of these completed masterpieces gets knocked the fuck out. My minion’s Batcave took a tumble off what we call the “forever shelf” one day and golly gee-whilickers, he cried so hard, you’d have thought he had just shot Old Yeller. I mean it was bad. I know he had worked hard on it and it was one of the first ones he ever got, so I could sympathize. But to be honest I was more traumatized because I was literally staring at a broken pile of 70 bucks. And I do NOT save instructions, which may be my own fault, but at that point it was too late. We were left with pieces that just got thrown into the “Lego drawer.” It’s a hard pill to swallow, or in our case I guess a hard Lego to swallow.

And then there’s the mess. When not finishing Lego sets in one sitting, there are piles of pieces that have to remain untouched, so the whole family has to basically work around a construction zone. That’s a pain in the ass, but do-able. But free play Lego building is when shit gets real. And by real, I mean if you turn your back for one millisecond, the room can look like El Nino tore through it and that ain’t good. Those little plastic bastards can take a LONG time to clean up. And who gets that job? The kids of course. But sometimes, you can’t handle situations like this…

 rowl

 

You want that shit picked up, like right now. So you pitch in and tag team it, and then when you are finally done…they want to play Legos again.

Aah…the catch here is that even though they are messy, expensive, and swallowed, there are many benefits. They don’t have a screen (even though I don’t mind a little screen time). They don’t wear out or get old. My kids even play with a lot of ours from when we were little, and there is something about them that feels right, maybe nostalgic even.  I still love trying to make houses with the little flowers that you stick in the grass, and my front doors that end up backwards every damn time. The best part though, is that it keeps them busy. So I guess taking the good with the bad is part of the game.

There are a lot of feelings I have when it comes to these colorful sons o’ bitches. And don’t even get me started on when I see a stray piece on the floor while vacuuming, ’cause I suck that shit up. Even though they are pricey, I’m too lazy to bend down when one’s left behind. It really is a twisted relationship.

One thing’s for sure, I won’t be getting away from Legos anytime soon. That’s because A. I have to keep an eye out for the fluorescent green one that should soon depart from my son’s colon, and B. My 7 year-old just got a new Minecraft Lego set for his birthday. Looks like these will remain a part of my life as the new construction zone is currently being set up. I just have to be sure to keep a close eye on my 3 year-old in case he gets another craving for plastic. And Good Golly Miss Molly, there’s a shit ton of pieces in this mo’ fo’ and the directions are LONG …because well ~ it’s complicated.

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My Mother of the Year Acceptance Speech…I’m Shocked!

I just don’t know what to say. Where do I start? It is truly an honor to be The Mother of the Year. It wasn’t easy. It took a lot of tears and a lot of Xanax, but this proves that dreams can come true. I did it! But I didn’t do it alone. I hate long award speeches, so I’ll try to make this quick.

First of all, a BIG thank you to my family. Without my husband and three amazing boys, I wouldn’t be here in the bathroom…pretending to be using it so that I can hide out and accept this magnificent award. In fact…I’m just going to lock this door really fast so that they can’t come in here.

*locks door*

Alrighty then…sorry about that…but fucking hell they are loud! They all talk at the same goddam time, so I can’t even hear myself think. I mean WTF? Do they think it’s a volume competition and the winner gets a free cruise? Damn! Okay, where was I? Oh yes…my family. One of the most valuable things they have taught me on this journey called motherhood, is to keep my cool. I pride myself in keeping calm in even the most stressful situat-WAIT! What the hell was that? Something just crashed..hold on.

Is everyone alright? (yes) Oh thank God. Alright fellas…let’s try to NOT end up in the E.R tonight okay??? I mean twice in one week is too much. Now please turn on an electronic device of your choice and sit still until Mommy’s done. Do NOT be jumping on the bunkbed again!And (husband) would you PLEASE keep things under control for like five freaking minutes while I’m doing something…or do I have to hire a babysitter every time I take a crap?

Geesh. Sorry about that. Anyways, a huge thank you to that guy I married and my adorable offspring. I love you with all of my heart.

Next, I’d like to thank my children’s teachers for always putting up with my turning in their permission slips and library books late. My little guy’s teacher didn’t judge me when I walked in at the tail-end of the class party that I had forgotten was taking place and said “Oh bloody shit!” out loud in front of the entire preschool class and all their parents. Teachers…you have seen me cry, you’ve seen me laugh. Hell, I think one of you even heard that little fart that I slipped out during our 2nd quarter parent-teacher conferences. It didn’t even phase you. You just kept going on about my child’s achievements. You are my rocks.

Next, I’d like to thank my parents and my in-laws. To my mother-in-law who always buys me cooking stuff on birthdays and holidays in hopes that I will one day learn how to use it all…you haven’t given up on me yet. To my mother who knows how much is on my plate, so she calls me every morning just to make sure I remember that the kids have school…you are a treasure. I couldn’t do this without you. Hell, how many times have I called and been like, “oh I have the flu,” or “I have a doctor’s appointment,” and you all just jump at the chance to watch the kids and I only have to leave like six or seven voicemails before you will finally call me back. You are the wind beneath my yoga pants.

To my AMAZING friends who get me…Thanks for still inviting me to girls’ nights even though I occasionally drink a little too much and say stupid shit. You guys know that it’s only because I’m SO excited to get out and talk to other adults, that words just spill from my lips, like the vomit that soon follows. Really you guys, I know it must be hard to see me always “doing it all” and keeping such a great balance in my life. I mean let’s face it, I’m on so much medication, how could I NOT be balanced, right? I mean…right???

*starts to sob uncontrollably*

Sorry…I told myself I wasn’t going to get emotional. But this is such an honor. I just can’t believe it. Whoa….okay…I have to wrap it up. Lastly, I wanna thank the guy at McDonald’s for my morning Diet Coke, my amazing team of pharmacists at CVS, the mommy-blogging community, and my next-door neighbor who always has vodka, an extra egg, and Band-Aids when I need them.

It takes a village as you can see. That is why I would like to share this amazing award with each and every mother out there. At the end of the day, after we have given everything we have and then somedays…only like 50%…it comes down to one thing: our children. They are our reason for everything. It’s the love we share for our kids that connects us. They are our joy and our…oh crap. Someone’s crying… Oh piss and vinegar, it sounds like someone fell off the bunkbed. Shit.

*tries to open door*

Stupid door is stuck. Fuck you door. Come the hell on. My kids are out there running amuck, someone’s crying and I’ve managed to lock myself in the bathroom.

Can somebody get me outta here???

Yep, that’s me…Mother of the friggin Year.

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Bringing Sexy Back

Hey you…in the yoga pants with your hair all a mess and that mystery stain on your shirt. I bet you feel super sexy right now, huh? Don’t worry. After we have kids, sexy often takes a backseat to motherhood and that’s perfectly normal, so don’t freak out. The fact of the matter is, that it’s not always easy to keep things spicy in your marriage, or to even feel desirable. You may feel like you left your sexy somewhere in your minivan, or wonder if perhaps it was removed during childbirth. But you still got it and I’m ’bout to give you some tips on how to get it back into your relationship.

  • Take a booby picture and send it to your honey out of nowhere. I’m not a selfie person in general, but trust me…one quick snapshot of the lady-tots and your fella will be strutting in the door with a bottle of wine and a plastic-wrapped rose from the gas station.
  • Ask him to rub your back. Yeah, it may sound self-serving…but what he hears is “I need your hands on me right now and you have a big ding dong.” I know it’s irrational, but that’s how their minds work. This one’s a bonus because he wants your body and you get a back rub..
  • When you kiss goodbye in the morning, hold the smooch. That little peck thing becomes so common that if you keep it going for a good five seconds and add a little lip smacking, he’ll be so surprised that body parts are going to start responding. It’s just nature.
  • Groom the kitty cat. A change of scenery never hurt anyone. You don’t have to shave it all the way, or do the whole, rip-off-the-labia-and-scream-like-a-donkey-in-labor-waxing-bit. Just clean up the front yard a little bit. If nothing else, it will be a nice surprise.
  • Bend at the waist while doing chores. Keep those knees locked while unloading the bottom rack of the dishwasher. Downward facing dog while you sweep those goldfish cracker crumbs into the dustpan. He’ll notice that sexy you have going on, and if he doesn’t…well, there’s no shame in twerking in the kitchen.
  • Utilize your closet space. Doing the nasty is down right difficult if you have rugrats that wake up a gazillion billion times a night because they need to pee, get thirsty, projectile vomit, and so on and so forth. So before bedtime, whisper in his ear an invitation for a late night game of poke-her in the closet. Why the closet you ask? It has a DOOR!! Be sure to do it swiftly, as they will eventually find you…
  • Buy yourself a pretty little night gown. It doesn’t have to pair nicely with a pole, or a pair of 6-inch platform heels or anything like that, but just something pretty that makes you feel good about yourself will do the trick. I mean hell, it’s gotta make you feel sexier than that shirt with the mystery stain, right? And you deserve something new anyways.
  • “Forget” your towel when you take a shower. Sometimes, they just fail to remember what they’re missing. So yelling, “honey…can you please bring me a towel?” followed by your back arched and your hands running slowly through your hair while dripping wet is a pretty strong reminder that you’ve got private parts that he hasn’t seen in a while (just be careful not to throw your back out while trying for the right pose, trust me on this).

Feeling like a sexy mother may sound far fetched when you basically wear spit-up as perfume and to you the word “naughty” means finding a kiddo coloring on the wall. Trust me, I get it. I’m right there with you. But once in a while it’s okay to be a little naughty yourself. You may be a mom, but you are still a woman for crying out loud and there’s nothing wrong with making him want a piece of what you’re serving up. And sometimes we have to take the initiative. So go on ladies…get your sexy back.

And Gentlemen,

You’re Welcome

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