Dear Husband, I Must Confess…

I must confess. Most of us have “little secrets” we keep from our mates. Call it “privacy,” call them “fibs,” call them “lies” if that’s what suits your fancy. It’s our 9-year wedding  anniversary today, so I’ve decided that its time for me to come clean. I am confessing. I’m bearing my soul here people. So husband, here it goes, this one’s for you.

wed

1. I don’t really have IBS, I am just addicted to my Kindle.

2. I shop online after we fight. This is because I want to get back at you and also because when you find out, I know you will be too sick of fighting to bring up how much money I spent.

3. I make plans that involve “couples outtings” and then ask you later if you want to go, even though I’ve already committed you.

4. When I forget to buy something you’ve asked me to pick up at the store, I often lie and tell you that they were out of that product.

5. My “time of the month” does not actually last 7 days. I’ll let you stew on that one for a bit.

6. I told you I only had two glasses of wine, but in reality, I lost count after 4, so when I tell you I think its really a “stomach bug” after a girls night out…I’m just full of shit (and wine).

7. I have an upcoming Vegas trip planned that you do not yet know about…but don’t worry, you are coming along.

8. I sometimes call you horrible names after you leave your whiskers in the sink. The names I call you are so horrifically bad that I can’t even write them down.

9. I sometimes walk around in nothing but underpants in the morning with the intention of making you want a piece of this, but you usually ignore it and ask me to iron something for you, so I leave parts of your shirts wrinkled…on purpose, because you hurt my feelings.

10. I tell you that you are the only man for me, but I think that John Stamos may possibly be an exception.

11. If you and I were stranded on a deserted island, I’d probably make you do most of the work and boss you around.

12. Sometimes, when we are driving and I casually flip through radio stations in search of a catchy tune, I quickly skip through your favorite station because I can’t handle that shit.

13. When we were dating I told you I was once on a television game show to try and impress you. (I really and truly did this…OMG) I also told you that I won the grand prize. Lies!!!

14. I occassionally pretend that I don’t see that the dog just shit downstairs and then I ask you to run down and grab something for me so that you will see it and pick it up so that I don’t have to.

15. I always know what I want to eat, but when you ask me I say, “I don’t care,” and then reject everything you suggest until you finally offer the choice that I was originally hoping for.

16. I pretend that I don’t know the gas tank is on empty. I do this a lot. Like a really lot.

17. I tell you that I hate “Regular Show” on Cartoon Network and that it’s stupid that you watch it, but it’s actually one of my favorite shows.

18. When I tell you I bought this “on sale” I typically meant it was “for sale” and then justify it in my mind as just a wrong-word choice.

19. “The grocery store was packed!” I say after my alone trips to the store. Although this may be true, it usually takes me so long because I walk really slow down the aisles and then take the long way home.

20. It didn’t really bother me that you played poker with your friends until 4 in the morning on our wedding night because I was really tired and wanted to go to sleep anyways.

Let’s get something straight though. Just because I have now confessed these things, it doesn’t necessarily mean they will change, so you are just gonna have to deal with it. But I love you husband, even after 9 LONG years.

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Awkward Moments and Why I Love Them So…

There are certain situations in life that may leave you feeling about as comfortable as a woman with a flaming UTI (the kind where it feels like someone poured Sriracha sauce into your urethra). However, in hindsight they can be pretty damn funny. I can’t help but love awkward moments. Here are some personal faves:

When someone asks, “What are you up to?”

And you reply, “Fine. How are you?”

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When someone tries to call you and you don’t answer for whatever reason and then you look down and they are standing at your front door looking through the glass at you with your phone still ringing in your hand.

*

When you say, “Hey, I have that same shirt!”

And the person sweetly replies, “Thank you!”

*

When you run into a set of your child’s friends’ parents somewhere and you try to introduce them to your husband but you can’t for the love of all that is savory and delicious recall what the effing hell their names are, so you just tell them what your husband’s name is and pray they will take it from there.

*

When you are taking a leak in a public restroom and it is clear from all of your God-given senses that that the person next you is definitely working on a #2, but it’s gone silent. You can tell that they are trying to hold it in until you leave. (But you see their shoes and will later run into them knowing they just took a massive crap)

*

When you are in the parking lot and fight over a parking space with a fellow patron, giving each other evil looks and hand gestures and then you end up in line right next to each other at the checkout counter because its the only lane that’s open.

*

After going out to eat with a friend that you haven’t seen in a while and as you walk out to the car, no one really knows whether to hug or not so you just stand there dragging on a pointless conversation. You eventually cross your arms because someone has to make a damn decision about the hug and its better to send the “no hug” body language signal than to go for it with arms wide open, only to have them back away in uncomfortable rejection.

*

When a friend cancels plans on you because they think they have “strep throat” and then you see them tagged in a Facebook photo partying like a rockstar. And then you can’t possibly resist “liking” the photo.

*

When chatting with someone (an acquaintance, salesperson, anyone really) and while they are speaking, a spritz of saliva heaves out of their mouth and lands ever so delicately on your face. You don’t want to wipe it off in front of them and embarrass them even further, so you have to stand there with spit on your face until you can get away.

There are many more to list, it could go on and on… So many awkward moments, so little time.

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WHAT WOULD I BE DOING IF I NEVER HAD KIDS?!?!

I know right? Could you imagine? I thank the Lord everyday for these little people who are determined to make me add Abilify to increase the effectiveness of my already-crazy-meds. However, do you sometimes think, what the hell would I be doing with my life if I never had kids? And sure, you can still do lots of awesome things even once you have the little critters, but this is hypothetical, so here are some theories of who I could have been:

A Las Vegas street performer, probably in a dirty Elmo costume.

A person who dies from walking tight ropes over terribly dangerous places without safety nets while blindfolded.

A fucking mime. I love silence.

The most horrible flight attendant in the world because Valium messes with me at high altitudes and I have the mindset that if people want something, they should get off their asses and get it themselves.

Ooh! I would love to be the host of “What Would You Do?” Move over John Quinones!

An American Idol hopeful that would be shown in the clips getting cut by the judges and then crying and begging them to let me try one more song.

A raging alcoholic.

In prison for stalking John Stamos.

A hippie with dreadlocks and barefeet who lives off the land and makes dandelion headbands (this is mostly because I hate shaving and mowing the lawn).

A zookeeper. I’m really good at cleaning up shit, and by shit I mean…shit.

A short person store fashion designer. Ain’t nobody wanna waste more money on alterations.

A paranormal investigator, because I ain’t afraid of no ghost. (That’s not true. I am afraid)

The most glorious grocery sacker in the land. I would carefully coordinate your purchases making it easy and effective to unload your goodies because it is important to me. Truly important to me.

A protester. I have no idea what I would protest, but they are all so passionate and I’m sure if I had more free time I would be passionate about something. Maybe I’d hold signs in front of coffee shops that say, QUIT PUMPKIN SPICING ALL OUR SHIT!

A pot head.

A hoarder who hoards nothing but foam cups from Sonic. (This one may already be in the works)

A winner at Wheel of Fortune, because I suck at life, but if I had time I would try everyday to get on that show because its the ONLY thing I’m REALLY good at (besides air hockey).

The star of a tampon commercial.

Someone who participates in all of the clinical research trials in order to help research while at the same time being handsomely compensated for time and travel.

A member of a sensational travelling barbershop quartet.

The person who dresses up like the Statue of Liberty and dances in front of the tax service place. They are such fun individuals. I almost can’t think of a job more fun than that. Just delightful.

A body double for Danny Devito in Hollywood.

The list could just go on and on. Oh the things I would have time for! But really, this morning when my two year-old held my face in his hands and said, “you precious girl, you are my best friend” it made me really grateful that I had those little suckers. They are sure hard, but I wouldn’t trade this for any other life. Sorry Danny Devito…you are just going to have to find someone else.

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The Real Reasons We Are ALWAYS Late

“Oh, so sorry we are late. Traffic was crazy.”

This is the generic response that I usually spout off when I am late. And I’m ALWAYS late; sporting events, parties, weddings, you name it. But I beg you, do not judge. There is typically a much more interesting reason that I am late. That would be one of the many REAL ones. Here are a few:

  1. I spent 20 minutes looking for my sunglasses…that were on my head.
  2. Each one of my kids could only find one shoe.
  3. I haven’t shit in a week and took laxatives last night and the gentle overnight relief decided to literally kick me in the ass right when it was time to leave my house. And…I don’t shit in public restrooms, or other people’s restrooms. EVER!
  4. I needed a Diet Coke and even though the line in the drive-thru was wrapped around the building, it was just SO fucking worth it to be late.
  5. My husband and I were fighting and I had to get rid of the intense need to strangle him before we walked in.
  6. I had to let my Xanax kick in.
  7. I couldn’t find my keys and I looked all over the house. I was so stressed that my eyes started watering and then I finally found the damn things in the same drawer I had already looked in five effing times. Then, I went to check my face to make sure it didn’t look like I had been crying and somewhere along the way I set my keys down and they were once again lost.
  8. The outfit I was going to wear was in the washer.
  9. It took my son 17 minutes to brush his teeth, because he just sat there and let the water run and made faces in the mirror.
  10. I set the alarm and woke up on time, but I spent 30 minutes lying in bed, scrolling through Facebook and “liking” everything.
  11. I forgot everything I was supposed to bring and had to go back home to get it all.
  12. I have poor time management in general.
  13. There was a Golden Girls marathon on, and that little firecracker Sophia just leaves me in stitches and I had to finish the episode.
  14. I put on jeans and I felt fat in them, so I changed into leggings, but couldn’t find shoes that looked cute with those, so I put on another pair of jeans. Unfortunately, those showed too much muffin top and so I started throwing shit out of my closet and yelling at my husband about things totally unrelated to the real reason I was upset.
  15. I couldn’t find my two year-old.
  16. I really didn’t want to be the first one to show up at this event, so even though I actually would have been on time, I don’t like awkward situations so I drove down side streets until a few more cars showed up.
  17. I couldn’t find my cell phone anywhere because I was talking on it.
  18. The baby pooped right when I had my hands full and we were walking out the door, so I had to change his pants. By the time I was done, my older son had already taken his shoes off and couldn’t find them.
  19. My dog ran out the goddam door as we were leaving and I had to chase her all over the neighborhood while my kids screamed and sobbed in our driveway as if the world was ending, thus drawing attention of all of the neighbors, while I was running like an idiot calling a dog that doesn’t listen to me any better than my children do.
  20. I’m just a really effed up mess who doesn’t have my shit together.

So, if you ever see that mom that’s trying hard to smile through her tardiness, don’t judge. She’s probably just an effed up mess too.

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Titty Show at the Grocery Store (a memoir)

After dropping off my older boys at school, my two year-old and I set out on a milk mission. Sounds easy enough, right? My little lovey likes to ride in those shopping carts that have the firetrucks in the front so he can pretend to steer. Bad news is, they are low to the ground so they can get in and out by themselves, but the good news is, they usually enjoy riding in them. Even though we just needed milk, I found some great deals on produce. Yippee fucking skippee! I discovered the bee’s knees of bargain berries! I loaded my cart with various fruits including apples and a few melons. As we were leaving, my little lovey spotted the miniature pumpkins on display.

“Baby punkin!” he yelled. “Mama, that’s so cute.”

No, I thought to myself, you are so cute and I will get you that pumpkin to put in your room to decorate for Halloween. I let him hold on to it to keep him happy and all seemed well in grocery land. Just a mother and her little pumpkin (with his little pumpkin), on their way to grab some milk. Lo and behold, I spotted bread and coincidentally about fifteen other things we needed along the way. Finally, I got the milk that we came for. We headed up front and successfully made it to the check out line. I began setting my items on the belt. This is when my toddler decided that he was done sitting.

“Stay in the cart, we are not finished,” I said.

“No mama, I get out!” he yelled (which in toddler translates to: Screw you bitch, I’m outta here).

The firetruck cart was so big that I couldn’t reach to grab him. Before I knew it, he was scat-assing out of the line at what seemed like 50 miles per hour and was heading for the automatic exit door. I shoved the cart to the side and leaped after him like a cheetah chasing her prey. Hallelujah! I caught him before he made it outside. Carrying him under one arm, I made my way back to the check out and finished placing my items on the belt. Much to my dismay, my lovey started yelling, “HELP ME! HELP ME!” Okay now everyone was looking. They were most likely assuming that there was a child abduction taking place. He kicked and twisted. He was literally upside down. The sweet little gray-haired checker looked sympathetically at me over her glasses as she bagged up our little pumpkin.

“Ooh is this a pumpkin to make pies with?”

In my head I thought: Well, actually ma’am do you see what the fuck is going on under my arm right now? Do I look like I make pies? That pumpkin was meant to shut this kid the hell up. Clearly a failed plan. Now put the fucking fall fruit in the bag so I can get out of here, or I will smash that fucker all over this floor!

“Yes, it’s getting to be that season,” I replied with a forced smile.

At that point, little lovey was in an upside down arabesque position and had a foot kicking me repeatedly in the chin. I was seriously on the verge of a full blown panic attack.

“Mama’s butt!” he yelled. The checker’s eyes widened. Why was my child saying this? OMG! I felt eyes on me, like literally felt people’s stares burning through my skin. I held it together as best I could. I had this panicky feeling and and uncontrollable urge to grab a paper bag and put it over my head so people couldn’t see me. Because, you know…that would help.

Oh yes. Now the crazy lady is wearing a brown paper bag over her head and is blindly running into various displays around the store with her child still hollering about butts. But at least we can’t see her face.

Fortunately, my debit card was in my back pocket, so I slid it through the swiper. I nailed it. I could see the finish line. I was almost done. However, the 18 year-old sacker had a look on his face like he’d never seen anything like this before. I felt like a total loser, a failure, and an incompetent mother. I felt like the entire store was watching a freakshow, starring me.

Steering the gigantic cart with one hand and holding a tantruming toddler in the other, I pushed the wobbling metal cart from hell out to my minivan with stares coming from every direction. Fishing through my bag for keys and still holding on to my kid for dear life, my son started yelling again, “Mama’s butt! There’s Mama’s butt cheek!” Good gracious, I had no idea why he was saying this. WTF? I was still fumbling for my keys. Looking down into my purse, I did a double take as I was now stunned to be looking at my right breast. My shirt had been pushed down somehow through the tantrum and was now laying under the right cup of my bra exposing my jug. To make things even better, the bra had been shifted, allowing the fellow patrons of the market to see the upper portion of my areola and nipple sticking out as if it just wanted to be part of the action. Fan-fucking-tastic. I had just put on a titty show at Price Chopper. I finally found my keys, unlocked my doors, and immediately put my son in his seat. My knocker was still soaking up the breeze in all it’s glory. I gently placed my ta-ta back where it was supposed to be in it’s holder and pulled my shirt back in position. I violently threw my groceries in the back of my van and drove straight home where I made him sit down while I rambled on about good and bad behavior. I’m pretty sure the lecture I gave him was useless, as he looked past me and asked for fruit snacks, but whatever.

I just have to wonder, that if I can hardly make it through the grocery store, how am I going to make it through life? I see moms do this all the time! This is my third child! I should be better at this by now! Ugh…But oh well. Wardrobe malfunctions happen I guess, and it is kind of funny that my kid thinks my boobs are buttcheeks and that it was not just milk “jugs” or water “melons” that got checked out in the supermarket line this morning. And hell, the sacker got a free show, even if it was from some crazy mother with a screaming child.

Who knows, maybe I’ll even make a pie…? But probably not.

Some of the Most Effed Up Things I’ve Done Since Becoming a Mother

  1. I once took my son to the doctor because when he woke up his face was purple. It turned out to be dye from his blue pillow case.
  2. I drove around the church preschool on my kid’s first day for two hours like a lunatic and I saw nothing except a brick building. I am lucky they didn’t call the cops.
  3. Waking up violently puking with a stomach bug, I was hanging over the toilet when mid-vomit…a wiener showed up next to me and peed in the same toilet I was currently hurling in. This was also the moment I realized I will NEVER have a moment of my own.
  4. I forced a friend to dress up like a stormtrooper with me and made my husband dress up like Darth Vader to put on a master Jedi Training Class for my son’s 5th birthday party. I was the first pregnant stormtrooper in history.
  5. The day I found out I was pregnant with my first child, I called in sick to work because I was too excited to do anything but look online at baby things.
  6. At 40 weeks pregnant with my first, I would jump off the bottom stairs repeatedly and walked around doing squats, hoping to start labor, only to have a c-section.
  7. After sending my son to bed for the night because he was being so NAUGHTY, I felt really guilty. So once he fell asleep, I climbed in bed with him and held his hand while he slept…all night.
  8. I once had all three kids in their own beds and my husband was out of town and I was too scared to step on the creak in the floor by the stairs and wake them up, so I hit the deck and slept on the floor in the hallway in all my clothes, contacts, with no pillow or blanket. Needed to make a chiropractor appt. the next day.
  9. Once when I was pregnant I dreamed my baby was so big that I would have to deliver on an airport runway. I then gave birth to two killer whales and a dolphin. I actually woke up in a panic trying to figure out how to get them into salt water. Wtf?
  10. After a night of NO sleep (since I have children who are nocturnal), I once got in the shower with my pajamas on. No joke.
  11. I realized one day that it was 4 o’clock in the afternoon and I had not yet taken a piss or eaten anything the entire day. (This still happens but usually not 4 o’clock)
  12. When I was nursing one of my babies, my tatas were completely out of milk and he was still hungry. Desperate to feed him I smacked my own boobs and called them worthless whores. I am NOT kidding. That’s pretty effed up.

Can’t believe I am admitting some of these, but what the hell. Maybe it will make you feel normal! And shit, I don’t ever claim to be normal :)

Random Thoughts in the School Pick-Up Line

  1. Why am I always at the end of this freaking line?

  2. My phone’s almost out of batteries. Cool.

  3. What the hell am I going to make for dinner tonight?

  4. Ooh, look at that lady’s cute short haircut.

  5. Maybe I should cut my hair like that.

  6. Nah, I’d probably look like The Karate Kid.

  7. Maybe I’ll make spaghetti tonight.

  8. Oh there’s that sexy dad. How you doin?

  9. I wonder if he’d mind if I just sat on his lap for a minute.

  10. Ugh…I’ve only got 3% battery left on this stupid phone.

  11. I hate this damn phone.

  12. I hate spaghetti.

  13. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

  14. Okay bell…ring. Ring muthafucka ring muthafucka ring!

  15. I’m never going to get out of here.

  16. Ooh…that lady’s dress is SO cute!

  17. I should wear dresses.

  18. I wish I had some chocolate.

  19. Maybe instead of spaghetti, I’ll make tacos tonight…from Taco Bell.

  20. Oh man, I need to pluck my eyebrows. I look like Chewbacca.

  21. My pores are huge, you could play putt putt golf in these things.

  22. Okay seriously, either my clock is wrong, or the bell is not ringing on time.

  23. What is that smell?

  24. Did we leave leftovers in here somewhere?

  25. Ooh, look…The Robinson’s got a new car.

  26. My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard…

  27. Okay seriously, this bell needs to ring because I have to pee.

  28. That lady over there looks just like Star Jones.

  29. Whatever happened to Star Jones?

  30. Thank God. The bell’s ringing.

  31. And here comes the stampede.

  32. I mean would it hurt these people to scoot up just a teeny tiny bit to make room for us at the end?

  33. Good Lord, I can’t imagine letting my daughter wear shorts that short. What is she, one of The Junior Pussycat Dolls?

  34. Okay guys, let’s move.

  35. Move your asses!

  36. What in the ever loving hell is that smell?

  37. Okay, like 200 kids have passed by me and none of them are mine.

  38. I think I see one of mine.

  39. Nope, not him.

  40. Hey there’s my friend Lori…hi there! (wave)

  41. Oh crap that wasn’t her.

  42. I’m going to pretend I’m swatting a fly so that woman won’t think I’m crazy.

  43. Too late. She thinks I’m crazy.

  44. Where are my freaking kids?

  45. I have to pee so bad.

  46. There’s one of mine.

  47. I hope their teachers don’t need to come talk to me, because I don’t want them to catch a whiff of whatever died in the back of this minivan.

  48. Okay…my phone is now completely dead. Awesome.

  49. There’s my other kid.

  50. That little boy over there looks like that cute little kid from Jerry Maguire.

  51. Alright, hurry up dude.

  52. Everything is awesome, everything is cool when you’re part of a team.

  53. Come on guys, sometime today…

  54. I think they purposely walk slow to annoy me.

  55. Slow as mol-ass-es…

  56. Okay, no teachers are coming…so that’s good.

  57. O.M.G. This dude in front of me is going to have scoot up or I’m going to have to tap that ass of his Ford Focus, 30 day tags or not. I don’t give a f*ck.

  58. I’m literally going to piss myself.

  59. Here they are.

  60. I missed them today.

  61. I see two kids, but only one backpack.

  62. I’m going to pretend like that’s not happening.

  63. Now let’s get the hell out of here before they notice its missing and my bladder explodes.

And that concludes my thoughts while waiting in the pick-up line. I’ll be there again tomorrow, same time, same place in the dirty minivan, in the back of the line. I just hope I can figure out what the hell that smell is by then.

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