Fashion 2014, Mommy Style

I love looking at magazines with all of those cutie-patootie-slut-whore-bags on them, strutting their perfectly chic stuff on city streets, while rocking the latest fashion trends. However, when it comes to finding the perfect mommy wardrobe, I find it hard to apply their sense of fashion to my everyday life. Here are some reasons why…

Maxi dresses…one of last summer’s must-haves, which seems to be carrying over into the long-sleeved winter version and will probably loop its way around again this spring and summer. Well, I’m five whole feet of fabulous, so when I wear one of these, I look the The Wicked Witch of the West after the ol’ bitch got splashed with water. Not a good look.

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Layering…yeah, okay. First of all, the magazines are always blabbing about how it’s so simple and easy. What they fail to mention is that it’s also fucking expensive! So you buy a pair of jeans, (cha-ching) then you buy the top, (cha-ching) then a cardi, (cha-ching) then a scarf, (cha-ching) then a long coat, (cha-ching) then a pair of boots, (cha-ching) then the socks that stick out the top of the boots, (cha-ching) then you must accessorize with jewelry and a killer handbag (cha-fucking-ching)! Okay now, mommy is sweating like a donkey in the Grand Canyon from all these layers…and she can’t breathe…and the family can’t eat until payday, but mommy looks hella-dope. Plus, I just said hella-dope. Blah. No thank you.

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Jeans, just jeans in general. I don’t care if they are bootcut, hi-rise, lo-rise, wide leg, or the dreaded skinny jean, I hate ’em. Ugh…of course I wear them sometimes, because everyone has to wear them once in a while, but I hate em. I even hate my favorite pair. It seems they fit differently from one wear to the next; sometimes too tight, sometimes too loose, and sometimes not at all. I’m either pulling them up or lunging and doing crazy yoga poses around my house to get them to feel even somewhat comfortable. It’s not my fault that my jeans have a mind of their own. They are assholes and they can ruin my whole day. Why did women ever burn their bras? If we all wanted to liberate ourselves, we’d ban together and burn our jeans. In fact, I may just do it. Who’s with me?!?! Image

Thong underwear. Hell no. Really or Not? I get that we don’t want panty lines, but I don’t want that thing up my ass all night either. It’s so unsexy to me. I never did understand what’s so special about a thong. Sisco got it all wrong with that “Thong Song” of his. When I saw that video all I could think of was smelly laundry. Yuck. Guys are so weird. Every time my husband asks me to buy a thong, I ask him what size he wears. I’d like to see him wear one all night long and not dig in his ass. The ones that husband has bought me, I have never worn, so my kids just use them for Angry Bird launchers. We sure are a thrifty bunch.

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So, that’s where I stand. I love watching those hungry tramps showing it all off, but when it comes to putting it on…it’s a whole other story. It just doesn’t work for me.

Fear not ladies. I have found a solution. There are two pieces that I have discovered make a perfect combination. Plus, there is a wide variety of colors and patterns in which to choose from, thus making this fashion choice both cute and comfy. Here it is, (drumroll please…) leggings and comfy-ass hooded sweatshirts! Works for me. I bought several pair of leggings the other day from the $5 clearance rack at Target and I have found that I can pair them with an endless amount of hoodies. My wardrobe is both complete and fashionable…well, as fashionable as I care to be. Best of all, my kids still get to eat. Its a win-win! I will add this teeny tiny note of caution: When pairing sweatshirts with leggings, make sure you add some bulky boots to even things out and don’t…I repeat don’t use extremely baggy sweatshirts, or you could end up looking like Gru from Despicable Me. Trust me, I’ve done it.

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Thanks for reading my fashion article. I hope this helps you with staying on trend. Hey, what can I say, just because we are moms doesn’t mean we don’t care about fashion, right? It’s just that we care a little more about keeping our kids alive and keeping ourselves sane until bedtime. Besides, sometimes we don’t even have time to get dressed, which is why you should always be comfortable enough to sleep in whatever you are wearing.

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~Crazy Mama Kris

5 Resolutions that I’m Already not Sticking To

1. Eating Better. Duh? This one is always the first to go for me. The minute I start thinking about what foods I should not eat, they are all I think about. Every year I make this resolution and then I immediately eat donuts. No excuses, I’m weak. I like crap-food. It’s that simple.

Image2. Waking up earlier. It’s an amazing feeling to get up and actually eat breakfast and shower alone, so that I can possibly make myself not look like a broad from the 1800’s who had no electricity. Once my kids are up I often don’t get a shower and if I do its wet hair and then I wear a sour face all day. So making a resolution was a kick ass idea until the alarm went off at 6:00 and I slapped that bitch like it was a drunken whore to shut it up. Then I went right back to sleep…for a few minutes, until the baby cried. It sounded good in the planning stages.

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3. Dressing like a girl. Instead of Spiderman t-shirts and sweats, I decided this year that I was going to start putting actual clothes on. I was going to look like a woman in 2014. That went to hell on January 1st, when it was cleaning day and I decided that the clothes I slept in didn’t have snot or puke on them and they would work just fine. After realizing I really don’t have anywhere to go anytime soon, I said fuck it. In my next life I’ll be a fashionista, but in this one I’m gonna be comfortable.

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4. Doing more humping. The daily grind interferes with the bump and grind and the humping has gone out the window. I had sworn that this year I was going to be an extreme delight in the sack. I was vowing to spice up relations on my memory foam mattress, which hasn’t recently made any memories. Things were ’bout to get hot. Well yeah, that’s not happening. A minion of mine has an extreme fear of monsters and it matters not what I do, he’s not going to stay in that bed of his. Even if he falls asleep and husband and I try…it will barely penetrate before we hear panicky footsteps hauling ass down the hallway and he’ll leap 6 feet across the room and land right in between us. Someone could get hurt. Seriously damaged, right in the wiener. Screw it.

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5. Quit being a bitch. I had promised myself that come January 1st, I was going to quit being a pissed-off-cold-hearted-psycho-icy-rigid-nasty-beastly-glass-eating-bitch. Back in 2013, husband could be like, “Honey, would you-” and I’d be like, “QUIT LOOKING AT ME! WHY DO YOU ASK ME SO MANY QUESTIONS? WHAT IN THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM? YOU RUDE QUESTION ASKING SONOFABIOTCH!” So, in 2014, this was going to change. I was going to be a nice, sweet, and gentle lamb of a lady. But now…he keeps trying to communicate with me. Dammittohell, what am I? A goddam spirit and he’s a paramormal investigator? Why doesn’t he just get out his recording devices and capture this demonic entity on film?!?! He could submit it to cable channels! So, back to being a bitch. It was a nice thought.

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Looking back at the last few days, I see that my resolutions may not have been a success, but I still have goals that I hope to achieve, like being a ventriloquist, training for the Chicago marathon, and getting my Ph.D. You know, things that aren’t that hard. If you keep the bar low, you won’t disappoint yourself. I hope you are following through on your resolutions, whatever they may be. Stick to it. You can do it. I want to hear about it when you do, so I can feel even worse about myself.

Good Luck! ~Kristen

If you like this list and want to share it, do it. Especially if not being selfish is one of your resolutions, sharing this would take care of that for ya. See…your succeeding already! 😉