Blame It On The Rain

 

So…its a rainy morning here in KC and no one wanted to get up, especially me. But I sucked it up and made my energy drink. I gave myself a mental pep talk while in the shower. Yes! I got a shower. It was going to be a good day.

rainclouds

“Time to get up!” I said cheerfully to my boys who had crawled in bed with me in the middle of the night.

They laid motionless and I decided to go start breakfast. My two year-old was still asleep. After pouring cereal and juice, I went up for another attempt at waking the boys. After like ten times of using my nice voice, I was finally forced to use my mean loud voice. I know it’s hard to get up on rainy days. But it has to happen.

“I said GET UP!”

Finally, they slowly made their way down to the breakfast table. As they sat there, I heard my little guy talking in his crib. I went to get him out.

“STOP IT!” he yelled.

“Oh fine,” I said and walked out. Hell, if he wants to lay in his crib, fine with me.

“Mom, is your dream to shave Justin Timberlake?” asked my 7 year-old.

“WHAT?!?”

“You can do it on here if you want,” he said.

I looked down and he had the i-pod in his hand. Lo and behold, there is actually an app where you can shave Justin Timberlake’s…beard. Thank God.

“Put that away and hurry up! You should be putting food into your body, not playing on the i-pod.”

So after they FINALLY finished eating, I reminded them to brush their teeth. I made a second attempt to get the baby up and this time it worked. As I changed his diaper he screamed, “Help me! Help me!”

I’m like, listen…I don’t want to DO THIS EITHER! But is time to be an effing team player! The boys were in the bathroom still after about ten minutes and so I went in and they were making funny faces in the mirror. Their toothbrushes were dry. I think I’m going to have TMJ because when shit like this happens and we have to be out the door in like eight minutes, I clench my teeth together so badly that it hurts.

I sounded like Chris Farley and said, “Brush your teeth FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!”

I believe I frightened them and so they did it. Then I had to tell them to get dressed like they have never done it before. After me literally saying now your shirt, now your socks…etc. They were finally dressed. I put their lunches in their backpacks and had the baby in my arms and we were headed out the door to the mini-van, where I found that the doors had been open all night long. I am lucky that the fucker’s battery wasn’t dead. However upon putting it in reverse, I realized the gas light was on. I just crossed my fingers I could make it to the school before the gas station.

Pulling up to the drop off line, you would have thought John Stamos was signing autographs in the cafeteria. Cars were wrapped completely around the block. I realize this was because it was pouring rain but still…While waiting, I decided I would talk to the boys.

“Hey guys, I have a goal. I want to find a way to make our mornings run smoother.”

“Mom, I thought your goal was to have children and you already did that,” said my kindergartener.

“Umm…yes, but now that I did that I have new goals.”

“You mean we aren’t good enough?” he asked. This is followed by, “Mom…where’s my backpack?”

All I could think of was slamming my face against the steering wheel like ten times hard enough to make the horn honk. But the principal was watching. Damn. They were waving me on because there was like a hundred cars behind me.

“I’ll bring it up!” I said. “Have a good day!” I would have said forget about it, but it had his lunch in it. Blah.

Okay, so I had to get gas. I inched my way to 7-11 on fumes and filled ‘er up half way. As I got in to the car, my little lovey in the backseat was singing and that made me smile. We needed to return to the house to get the backpack in the rain. As I was pulling out of the parking lot, someone was motioning to me…something about the back of my car. Oh well, unless it was life threatening I didn’t care. Break light out maybe…? Who effing cares? Once I got to my driveway and parked to run inside, I saw what they were talking about…gas cap. Woop a dee doo.

gascap

Back out into the rain, I get the lunch/backpack dropped off and get my two-year old dropped off at his play group. After he cried and made me feel like shit, I got home and took my shoes off as to not get muddy rain on the floor. I took two steps forward and stepped in dog shit. Oh the dog! I’m not kidding. What a morning! So instead of taking advantage of the time I have to clean my house in peace, I am writing this all down because it’s cheaper than therapy. I once heard that children are like meteorologists. Their behaviors change with weather and barometric pressure. I think there is some truth to that.

Oh well! The sun will come out tomorrow. Not all days are like this, so I’m giving myself a break. This morning sucked, but I’m going to blame it on the rain. (yeah yeah)

OMG! Acronyms Made Me a Pervert

I admit that I am not the most tech savvy or cool person on the planet. I have repeatedly seen acronyms all over my text messages and Facebook, but I never had a clue what they meant. So being a problem solver, I tried to figure them out on my own. Once I finally gave up and Googled them, I felt like a total douchey pervert. Here’s why…

LOL

Okay, so I thought everyone just really loved the crap out me. Lots of Love was being sent to me all the time. I was kind of disappointed to find out that they were just laughing out loud. So, I ate worms.

LMAO

Licking my Aunt’s Ovaries??? That’s honestly sick and I felt really stupid when I learned it was laugh my ass off. I put every word together and that’s all I could think of.

SMDH

Honestly, this one confused me the most. I would see ladies writing this and I thought (naturally) that it meant Suck My D*ck Hard…I guess my mind was in the gutter. Shaking my damn head…really?

ROTFL

Rotten Florida? What is so rotten about Florida? I’ve always thought it was a lovely place. Oh, rolling on the floor laughing!…I get it now.

DNPMPL

Darn pimple! I really saw this and thought, man…just try some concealer or a little ProActive. I wouldn’t blast it all over social media. Geez…Damn near pissed my pants laughing.

FCOL

Again, something nasty came to mind: F*ck hole. Just an innocent for crying out loud was turned into trashy-potty words by my sick and warped brain.

GYHOOYA

Great, you hop on our young adults. Get your head out of your ass.

KCCO

Kansas City Company? Oh, Keep Calm Carry On. I never did understand this crap. I have never been calm, but I do carry on. Hell, I’m a mom, so if I didn’t, everyone in my house would live in filth and they would starve.

BTW

Be The Winner. How inspirational, I thought. What kind words, I thought. Oh, by the way

ANTBACW

Antibacterial Wipes. My OCD can really turn anything into antibacterial wipes. Ain’t no thing but a chicken wing.

YOLO

I saw this for months, never realizing it was an acronym. I thought it meant hello in a different language, maybe? A lovely blend of yellow and orange? Then I thought, maybe it is an acronym! Maybe it means, you’re on Lexapro only? Oh crap, You Only Live Once! Ah-ha! Of course!

TBT

This always makes me think, to be determined, but that would be TBD, so…no. Two big testicles? Tom Brady’s Tits? Oh yes, the faded pictures mean its Throw Back Thursday. Got it!

OBGYN

Oh crap, well that one is just a hoo-ha doctor. No hidden meanings there.

TY

I say, have a good day, and you respond with, touch yourself? No I will not! How rude! Well, I came to find out later that people were just saying thank you. I’m a total scuzzy perv.

Yes, it’s true. I am lagging a little in the technology/slang/social media crap. I had to Google all of these things when I finally decided once and for all I was going to decipher what my friends were saying. However, I actually kind of like some of my meanings better. With that in mind, TY and have a great day!

Share if you like! If you don’t like this post then, WTF? (that means Where’s the Fun, right) 😉

Check out The Vada Diaries: Short Stories and Confessions of a Crazy Mother free on Kindle April 17-19th

 

 

 

 

32 Things You Should Know About Vegas

 

  1. Burt, Ernie, Mickey, Transformers, and Chewbacca all reside there, right on the sidewalk. So does this guy…Who knew?Image
  2. No matter how much money you think you have, even if you just won…you are flat broke compared to one of the people walking by.
  3. You should never look someone in the eye who asks you to pet their monkey and then offers you coke.
  4. The ladies dress the best they can, and not for men, because a man will check out pretty much anything. They dress to keep up with other women.
  5. Tipping alone can cost you more than you thought you would spend on your entire trip.
  6. A little plastic surgery can be beautiful, but too much can scare the living shit out of an innocent passer-by.
  7. Penny slots cost more to play than quarter slots (if you want to win).
  8. Sandwiches are good.
  9. If you don’t drink water in between cocktails, you will wish Dr. Kevorkian was your Vegas companion.
  10. You will wish to be called Mr. Pappagiorgio, even if you are female.
  11. You can’t win if you don’t play, but then again…you also can’t lose if you don’t play.
  12. The pool is not for swimming, it is for showcasing skin and drinking enough to not care that yours is showing.
  13. There will be a point where you wish you had a cousin Eddie to dig up money out of his yard for you.
  14. Riding in a Vegas cab is sort of like riding in a bumper car.
  15. If you are done with a drink and it’s in a glass, throwing the whole glass in the trash is perfectly acceptable.
  16. The more you drink, the better you think your luck is going to get.
  17. Show girls have to be genetically modified, because no one is that effing tall.
  18. The people begging for money on the bridges most likely have a story that is not a happy one, so even if you can’t give everyone money, a hello and a little respect is nice. (except for the people in #19)
  19. Some people will ask you for money and then tell you they can make change for you, which is psychologically confusing when they appear to carry more cash on their person than you do.
  20. It doesn’t matter how cute a chick’s shoes are, she’s gonna look like a douche walking around crumpled over because she’s blistered while wearing 6-inch heels all over Vegas.
  21. When all hope is lost, there are ATM’s that have a beckoning aura around them.
  22. You must carry hand sanitizer.
  23. Don’t worry how stupid you get in Vegas, because there’s always THAT guy walking around wearing a balloon animal hat, drinking out of a yard glass, and giving knuckles to girls that are way too pretty for him.
  24. If you are that guy in #23, then darn it…
  25. Lots of marriages begin in Vegas, and many of them also end there, so give your wife money.
  26. Bartenders in Vegas are probably the most interesting people in the world because they have heard and seen everything.
  27. #27 is blank because there will most likely be part of your trip that you don’t remember
  28. The hair of the dog works, but so do I.V. fluids.
  29. You will hear phantom slot noises for a week after you get home.
  30. If you see someone talking to their machine, don’t judge them. Sometimes the machines like a little foreplay before they can reach their climax.
  31. Las Vegas is arguably the best and worst city in the world. Make the most of it, because once you’re home and the sorrow and hungover feeling wears off, you’ll be ready to go back.

Viva Las Vegas!

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Biggest Parenting Contradictions

We do our best to teach our kids right from wrong and how to behave in society. At the same time, you do realize we are contradicting ourselves on a daily basis, right? You do it sometimes too, it’s cool. You are probably still a great parent. Here are some of the biggest parenting contradictions:

WTF???

Don’t talk to strangers, but be polite when they talk to you.

My son cold-cocked a lady once at Chuck E Cheese. He got her right in the nose. No joke. It was packed and he turned around and couldn’t find me. I saw him from a distance but was fighting my way through the crowd to get to him. He was terrified. I’ve always told him don’t talk to strangers and if they grab you, you fight them. I don’t care if you have to bite them, just get away. A nice lady, noticed he looked lost and grabbed his arm to ask him if he needed help. He clocked her. Yikes, he was doing what he was told. However, I catch myself reacting to them if a stranger in a store asks them how old they are, or what their name is and they don’t answer. I’m like, “be polite, answer when someone asks you a question.” Total contradiction.

Don’t fucking say bad words!

Even though I write down these words for adults to read, doesn’t mean I spew out swear words all the time in front of my kids. But the occasional, “oh shit” or “dammit” will come out during a spill or a hit in the funny bone. Have you ever knocked your hip on the corner of the counter? Words come out that you didn’t know existed! My children do hear me say these things sometimes. Shit happens. It happens to us. It happens to them. But they are not allowed to say it.

It doesn’t matter what people think. Be who you are, but not like that.

I am constantly trying to teach my kids to screw what everybody thinks and just be themselves. I grew up way too worried about other people’s opinions about my life and I don’t want them to be that way. See-I just did it. “I don’t want them to be that way.” I just made my point.

Turn off the video games as soon as I’m off the phone!

Making doctors appointments, checking emails, browsing Facebook, shopping, playing Candy Crush, FINALLY returning that phone call or text, it seems like I am always on my phone. I try to limit my children’s video game time to a reasonable amount, but I should probably do the same for my electronic devices too. Hypocrite much?

Looks are not what’s important in life, but you are NOT wearing that.

It’s a conversation I have with my kids often…it doesn’t matter what someone looks like on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts. That being said, when I say, “get back in your room, you are not wearing pajama pants and a wife-beater to a birthday party,” they get confused. My seven year-old even said the other day, “Mom, I thought it didn’t matter what we looked like.” Well yes, I may have said that, but…oh, just listen to me right now. Ugh…

Really or not???

Being responsible and on time is important, but hurry up because we are running late! 

How do I expect them to learn to be organized and responsible creatures, when I can’t get my own shit together? With three boys, one is always either sick, hurt, crying, has to pee, or forgetting something, and I am typically right there with them. With so much to do, I am always running late, and they see that. Kids pick up on so much we don’t even realize. Running late is now their “normal.” Well crap.

Don’t be a tattle-tale, but if someone’s mean to you, you need to tell on them.

My five year-old told me yesterday that he told on a boy at school for going inside when he wasn’t supposed to at recess. “Was that the right thing to do?” he asked. Umm…honestly…I don’t flipping know. If I was the teacher I would want to know if a kindergartener was roaming the halls, but I don’t want my kids to be tattle-tales. So I told him this, “If someone could get hurt or could hurt someone else, you should tell. If someone is goofing off, then you should probably mind your own business.” I’m hoping that was the right answer. Hoping. Either way, it could be right or wrong. Aye yai yai.

Image

~So what’s the answer? How do we solve this problem? Are we going to raise a bunch of terribly confused kids? The answer is most likely yes. That being said, I will place a penny in their pockets each day so they can make heads or tails decisions. Just kidding. I will just do the very best I can. That’s all we can really do right? We can explain that we are not perfect humans and don’t always have all the right answers, but we can also give them the best guidance possible. We will do this while still confusing the hell out of them. I think we should still stick a penny in their pocket though, and take our chances that it’s a lucky one, so they make the right choices.

This parenting thing is one huge contradiction, how else could you possibly love someone so much that shits all over you?

Please share if you like 🙂 Thank you much!