Douche Alert: Husband Do’s and Don’ts

Hey guys, I’m trying to help you out. Don’t be a douche…

DON’T: Check out other women in front of your wife. Keep your eyes on your own freaking paper.

DO: Make your wife feel like she is the only woman in the room that you would ever be attracted to. All the other women may as well have big hairy testicles growing out of their chins for all you care…even that hot blonde in the corner who keeps bending at the waist.

WARNING!

ALERT!

DON’T: Bitch about being tired. Seriously, if you haven’t been pregnant or up all night feeding a baby, then you don’t know jack SHIT about what tired feels like.

DO: Let your wife sleep in once in a while. Get up with the kids (without it being Mother’s Day) and treat her to a little extra sleep. She’ll most likely return the favor after the kids go to bed…on your ding dong.

DON’T: Ask your wife to work out or to lose weight. I love how the guys who do this are usually the ones who could stand to lose a few pounds themselves. If you are a guy who does this or has ever done this, go get a small hammer or a mallet and whack yourself in the nuts as hard as you can. You deserve it.

DO: Find your lady’s most beloved body part(s) and make a huge frigging deal about it. Tell her what you LOVE about her. If its her jugs, fine. If its her eyes, tell her. Make a list. Write it down. Ladies need to know the good stuff.

DON’T: Be one of those guys who’s afraid to show your feelings. You don’t have to be a hard-ass all the time. Macho isn’t cool. It just makes you look like a pricky tool with no soul.

DO: Help your wife with laundry, chores, etc…it will ease her stress. And as a bonus, it will teach your son to be a good husband someday, and it will teach your daughter that women were not simply created to take care of men.

 DON’T: Expect your lady to always be there. If you don’t treat her good, there is someone out there who will, and much to your dismay it will probably be someone really hot with lots of money and a great big…dog that guards his mansion.

DO: Date your wife. Surprise her. Let her dress up and take her out; just the two of you. Hint: Go somewhere that doesn’t take coupons and that has a wine list.

DON’T: Make her feel guilty. Don’t ask her how long her trip to Target is going to take. Don’t ask her if it’s a #1 or a #2 when she excuses herself to go to the bathroom, because God forbid you have to be alone with the kids for more than ten minutes. Don’t be that a-hole.

DO: Give the girl a break. If you see that she’s stressed, pour her a glass of wine, or hand her the keys and tell her to go take a break and walk around a store. (Not in that order…no drinking and driving)

 DON’T: Talk about intimate details of your sex life with your buddies. It’s okay to joke around with your pals in a vague way, but intimacy is intimate and you shouldn’t spill intimate details about your intimately intimate moments with someone you’re not intimate with. Get it? Good.

DO: Talk about your wife to your friends like she is the most respected and important person in your life, because that’s what she is! Get it now? Good. Glad we’re clear.

DON’T: Call her a mean name. Like ever. If you call her a bitch, be prepared for her to act like one. And…be prepared for her mother to come after you with a frying pan…to your face.

DO: Have a pet name. It doesn’t have to be cheesy, like NibbleCake, or BabyBuns. But a term of endearment never hurt anyone. Something like Goddess, Master, or Queen of the Everything will do just fine.

DON’T: Try to look better than your wife. You should NOT take longer to get ready than she does. This is not acceptable, unless you wear make-up and in that instance I would say that’s none of my damn business.

DO: Always keep up your personal hygiene. Make sure you smell good. Brush your teeth before you kiss her, never go without deodorant, and dab a little something on your neck. She’ll wanna wrap her arms around you and sniff you…

Just as long as you’re not acting like a douche! Good Luck out there guys. You got this.

Check out my books The Unbalancing Act  and The Vada Diaries if you love fiction and laughing…at the same time.

14 Slightly Untraditional Ideas For Keeping Your Kids Busy This Summer (So You Don’t Go Crazy)

1. Give them a small shovel and tell them they can dig their way to China. This one is a must!

JUST KEEP DIGGING, YOU"LL GET THERE!

JUST KEEP DIGGING, YOU’LL GET THERE!

2. If they can swim, throw pennies in the pool and tell them to go and find them and bring them back to you. Rinse. Repeat.

THIS COULD BE YOUR CHAIR!!!

THIS CHAIR COULD BE YOURS!!!

3. Make mandatory thirty minutes of quiet reading time in their room per day. They think this is to sharpen their reading skills, (and it is) but it will also give you a half-hour of peace and quiet.

CHOOSE THEIR BOOKS CAREFULLY!

CHOOSE THEIR BOOKS CAREFULLY!

4. Tell them to pick weeds and that they’ll get a penny for each weed they dig up. *Note that this is only if your yard is looking rough and keep in mind that you’re technically teaching your kids to sell weed.

5. Let them water the grass with Solo cups full of water or let them use water guns. You sit on the porch and read, I mean…supervise.

KEEP GOING, YOU"RE DOING GREAT!

KEEP GOING SWEETHEART, YOU’RE DOING GREAT!

6. Teach them how to make prank phone calls…to their grandparents.

7. Tell them to search the block for rocks shaped like a butt. If you have boys, you will end up with hours of entertainment…and tons of rocks that actually look like butts.

8. Give them old tupperware and plastic spoons and let them make mudpies. They are just going to jump in the pool later and you know your tupperware spills out of your cabinet everytime you open the door, so let’s kill two birds with one stone here.

9. Teach them how to make you breakfast in bed. They get up so effing early anyway, so you may as well benefit from it.

10. Fill up a small plastic swimming pool with soapy water and have them wash toys. You know some of those old Legos have some funky e-coli hanging out in there somewhere.

11. Turn on Full House reruns. They get a wholesome family program and you get…John Stamos!

12. Drink! Get in the car and drive to Sonic for Happy Hour. Be careful though, I once had an early reader asking me where the “happy whore” was. I looked all around for a smiling gal in fishnets and heels, only to find out he was reading the sign.

NOT THIS KIND, AT LEAST UNTIL LATER

NOT THIS KIND OF DRINK. THAT’S FOR LATER

13. Teach them “light as a feather, stiff as a board.” You know that they will have an awesome time finding themselves floating in mid-air, just like we did, right???

14. Teach them to play poker. I’m not kidding. It’s a game of strategy and they will be quiet and seated for long periods of time. Plus, it will motivate them to get those chores done. Gotta have cold hard cash to buy into the game. One more benefit to this, is that it will make your kid a total badass. Sorry…it’s true.

JACKPOT!

JACKPOT!

Summer is here and there isn’t a damn thing we can do to stop it. Unless your kids are Phineus and Ferb, it can be tough to keep them busy! Hope this helped a little bit.

Please share this if you like it. There are lots of little buttons down there! Have a great summer 🙂

 

Say What? Questions from Little Boys

Can you survive without a head?

Do wiener dogs pee all day long?

Hey Dad, who do you think is prettier, Mom or Katy Perry?

What are balls for?

Why do girls shake their butts when they dance?

openclipart.com

openclipart.org

Since it’s almost summer, do we get to eat Nature Valley bars on a boat soon?

Sometimes you want to shut my mouth with your hands, don’t you?

Does it hurt when you poop out a baby?

Mommy, do you like the lines on your face?

Who is that man standing in the corner watching us? (there is no one there…OMG!)

Why does Disney World cost so much money to go to, if its for kids when kids don’t have jobs?

I don’t ever wanna get married, so can I just get divorced?

Can I just go to the casino with you and we can tell the people who work there that I am just a really short guy?

Can I watch T.V. all day long and see if I can feel my brain rotting?

What does 12 + 4567 + 987646 + 36253 + 1 + 999 + 764 +0 equal?

What if your butt was where your face was…and your face was where your butt was?

Since I’m not getting married, can I just adopt a child from the wilderness?

Do you send us to school all day long because you hate us and don’t want to see us?

Does God know if I’m thinking a bad word?

If I drink root beer, will I act like a silly idiot? Because if I will, then I want one.

How many days until my birthday? (Birthday was last week)

Does Hobby Lobby have a lobby in it?

Hey Mom, do you think I’m ever gonna get any swagger?

Mom, why do you wear booby underwear?

Do old people know they are going to die?

Will you just drop me off somewhere and see if I can find my way home, pa-leeeze??

Can we sell our house and move into an apartment…because Lebron James grew up living in an apartment?

Mom, if you had another baby would it be called a cub?

Hey Mom, would you please check the ingredients on our big brand dog food?

Mom, do your things (boobies) have babies in them?

 

These are all actual questions from my little boys. I’m going to appreciate these questions now, because I know they are only going to get tougher as they get older! Hit a share/like button if you like! Follow my blog or join  The Unbalancing Act on Facebook because it’s freaking fun!

 

10 Perfect Songs to Sing When…

1.When I pay bills.

Now you’re just somebody that I used to owe.

Gotye, Somebody That I Used to Know

 

2. When I can’t figure out why the pounds don’t just fall off.

I’m just not active…I’m not that active.

Imagine Dragons, Radioactive

 

3. When I’m trying to clean up dinner and I have nothing to wrap leftovers in.

There’s no aluminum foy-al.

Lorde, Royals

 

4. When the baby gets up at night.

The story of my life, you wake me up. I try all night…to get you back to sleep…and do-oh-oh-oh-zing…

One Direction, The Story of My Life

 

5. When my boys are acting like animals.

Oh the boys round here, won’t get their butts in gear. I said to quit…giving me your lip. Throw a little. Throw a little. Throw a little fit.

Blake Shelton,  Boys Round Here

 

6. When my husband argues with me.

Ooh.ooh.ooh.ooh.ooh. Ooh.ooh.ooh.ooh.ooh. You have to listen cuz I’m your wi-i-ife. Your wi-i-i-i-i-i-i-ife….

American Authors, Best Day of My Life

 

7. When my laundry wash cycle is over, but I don’t want to switch it over yet.

Who gives a crap if these are clean, I’ll just restart the damn machine.

Miranda Lambert, Kerosene

 

8. When my phone rings and I don’t want to answer it.

So sorry bout that, I’m gonna have to call you ba-a-a-a-a-a-ack…

Demi Lovato, Heart Attack

 

9. When my kids crawl in my bed in the middle of the night and take all my covers.

Give…me….back…my…own bed. Your foot’s o-o-o-on…my head.

Eric Church, My Hometown

 

10. When I put on my makeup.

I’m covering my flaws flaws. Covering my flaws flaws. I’m covering…bumps and pores and blemishes. My flaws my flaws my flaws.

Lady Gaga, Applause

 

Just a few simple changes and you have the perfect songs to sing for any occasion. Hope this made you smile. If you like this, hit one of the like or share buttons down below! Thanks!!