Awkward Moments and Why I Love Them So…

There are certain situations in life that may leave you feeling about as comfortable as a woman with a flaming UTI (the kind where it feels like someone poured Sriracha sauce into your urethra). However, in hindsight they can be pretty damn funny. I can’t help but love awkward moments. Here are some personal faves:

When someone asks, “What are you up to?”

And you reply, “Fine. How are you?”

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When someone tries to call you and you don’t answer for whatever reason and then you look down and they are standing at your front door looking through the glass at you with your phone still ringing in your hand.

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When you say, “Hey, I have that same shirt!”

And the person sweetly replies, “Thank you!”

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When you run into a set of your child’s friends’ parents somewhere and you try to introduce them to your husband but you can’t for the love of all that is savory and delicious recall what the effing hell their names are, so you just tell them what your husband’s name is and pray they will take it from there.

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When you are taking a leak in a public restroom and it is clear from all of your God-given senses that that the person next you is definitely working on a #2, but it’s gone silent. You can tell that they are trying to hold it in until you leave. (But you see their shoes and will later run into them knowing they just took a massive crap)

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When you are in the parking lot and fight over a parking space with a fellow patron, giving each other evil looks and hand gestures and then you end up in line right next to each other at the checkout counter because its the only lane that’s open.

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After going out to eat with a friend that you haven’t seen in a while and as you walk out to the car, no one really knows whether to hug or not so you just stand there dragging on a pointless conversation. You eventually cross your arms because someone has to make a damn decision about the hug and its better to send the “no hug” body language signal than to go for it with arms wide open, only to have them back away in uncomfortable rejection.

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When a friend cancels plans on you because they think they have “strep throat” and then you see them tagged in a Facebook photo partying like a rockstar. And then you can’t possibly resist “liking” the photo.

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When chatting with someone (an acquaintance, salesperson, anyone really) and while they are speaking, a spritz of saliva heaves out of their mouth and lands ever so delicately on your face. You don’t want to wipe it off in front of them and embarrass them even further, so you have to stand there with spit on your face until you can get away.

There are many more to list, it could go on and on… So many awkward moments, so little time.

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WHAT WOULD I BE DOING IF I NEVER HAD KIDS?!?!

I know right? Could you imagine? I thank the Lord everyday for these little people who are determined to make me add Abilify to increase the effectiveness of my already-crazy-meds. However, do you sometimes think, what the hell would I be doing with my life if I never had kids? And sure, you can still do lots of awesome things even once you have the little critters, but this is hypothetical, so here are some theories of who I could have been:

A Las Vegas street performer, probably in a dirty Elmo costume.

A person who dies from walking tight ropes over terribly dangerous places without safety nets while blindfolded.

A fucking mime. I love silence.

The most horrible flight attendant in the world because Valium messes with me at high altitudes and I have the mindset that if people want something, they should get off their asses and get it themselves.

Ooh! I would love to be the host of “What Would You Do?” Move over John Quinones!

An American Idol hopeful that would be shown in the clips getting cut by the judges and then crying and begging them to let me try one more song.

A raging alcoholic.

In prison for stalking John Stamos.

A hippie with dreadlocks and barefeet who lives off the land and makes dandelion headbands (this is mostly because I hate shaving and mowing the lawn).

A zookeeper. I’m really good at cleaning up shit, and by shit I mean…shit.

A short person store fashion designer. Ain’t nobody wanna waste more money on alterations.

A paranormal investigator, because I ain’t afraid of no ghost. (That’s not true. I am afraid)

The most glorious grocery sacker in the land. I would carefully coordinate your purchases making it easy and effective to unload your goodies because it is important to me. Truly important to me.

A protester. I have no idea what I would protest, but they are all so passionate and I’m sure if I had more free time I would be passionate about something. Maybe I’d hold signs in front of coffee shops that say, QUIT PUMPKIN SPICING ALL OUR SHIT!

A pot head.

A hoarder who hoards nothing but foam cups from Sonic. (This one may already be in the works)

A winner at Wheel of Fortune, because I suck at life, but if I had time I would try everyday to get on that show because its the ONLY thing I’m REALLY good at (besides air hockey).

The star of a tampon commercial.

Someone who participates in all of the clinical research trials in order to help research while at the same time being handsomely compensated for time and travel.

A member of a sensational travelling barbershop quartet.

The person who dresses up like the Statue of Liberty and dances in front of the tax service place. They are such fun individuals. I almost can’t think of a job more fun than that. Just delightful.

A body double for Danny Devito in Hollywood.

The list could just go on and on. Oh the things I would have time for! But really, this morning when my two year-old held my face in his hands and said, “you precious girl, you are my best friend” it made me really grateful that I had those little suckers. They are sure hard, but I wouldn’t trade this for any other life. Sorry Danny Devito…you are just going to have to find someone else.

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