Hey January, Let’s Do This.

Dear January,

I see you coming. You are waiting over there with your dreary days and bitter temperatures, ready to take us down and hold us there until we beg for mercy and impulsively book a vacation we can’t afford just so we have something to look forward to. I already did that, by the way, so see January…I’m one step ahead of you, you little bastard. This year is going to be different. I have mentally, physically, and pharmaceutically armed myself against your wicked little games. By the time I am done with you, you’ll be screaming for February to come save your ass with its chocolate hearts and its multiple days dedicated to Presidents. I’m making some changes this year. Your seasonal depression can’t touch me. So come on January, let’s do this shit.

commons.wikimedia.org

commons.wikimedia.org

It’s about to be a new year. News flash: Most people are hungover on January 1st. So, it’s really not a good day, but you know this don’t you? But not this year bitch. This year, I am not drinking on New Year’s Eve. That’s right. You heard me. I may offer to drive someone. I may stay home and have a party with my kids. I may even turn in early so I can start the New Year fresh as a daisy. Maybe I’ll get up early and rent a rug doctor and go full-blown spotless up in here. This New Years day, maybe I’ll even clean out my closet. At any rate, I will NOT puke on January 1st. You are already shaking in your boots aren’t you?

The holidays get blamed for the weight gain, but January…oh you pitiful little month..you and I both know that’s when the hibernation begins, the baggy sweatshirts get pulled out and that’s when we feel free to gain the extra pounds that we promise ourselves we’ll work off in the spring. You are a con artist. You mask yourself as the “resolution” month, but in reality, you are a fraud. Not this year asshole. I’m leaving the baggy clothes tucked away. I’m eating shit that tastes terrible and I am SO getting my sexy back and holding on tight to any of the sexy that I have left. I will not let extra pounds contribute to your mission of seasonal depression. I’m even gonna keep shaving my legs.You will not have my body January. It’s mine.

Flu season? Guess what fuckface? I already had it. We’ve already had the flu, bronchitits, croup, random bouts of intestinal hell on earth, and guess what? Even if a virus does hit this house, there is NO way it can be worse than it was in November and December, so you LOST loser. Step aside.

Your trick of isolation isn’t going to work either. If it’s super freezing cold, I’ll I will make plans and I will keep them. I will not hide out inside this house due to the feeling of not wanting to get out of bed. Every year this happens, but not this time. In fact, I’m already filling the calendar with activities so you can’t hold me hostage in this house. I’ve even pulled out my secret weapon; I’m going to Vegas (recall the trip I can’t afford). I’m reconnecting with old friends and new friends and facebook friends and I’ll even make up some imaginary friends if that’s what it comes down to. I will be a social butterfly in the middle of the winter. Watch me fly mother effer.

There are so many other things I plan to do and I will not let you ruin it. I plan on finishing writing my next book, spending quality time with my children, rearranging furniture just for the hell of it, and possibly even skipping through the countryside while singing 80’s power ballads and snapping merrily along with the tunes. If it snows, I will not complain. I will bundle up my shrinky dinks and we will simply frolick and play. There are no limits.

So January, here’s where I extend my middle finger to you. I realize there may be ups and downs. I realize that seasonal depression is not a choice, but I also realize that I can arm myself against it. I have happy pills, hope, and some fight left in me. I may even scotch tape my lips up to keep that smile nice and tight. Oh yes January, we may fight each other in many battles this year. Hell, I may even let you win the one about the whole leg-shaving thing. But I will win the war.

snowman

Oh yes…I will win the war.

Sincerely,

Your Worthy Opponent

As always, share or like if you like.

If you need more to smile (or laugh) about this January, then read my damn books!

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Dear Husband, I Must Confess…

I must confess. Most of us have “little secrets” we keep from our mates. Call it “privacy,” call them “fibs,” call them “lies” if that’s what suits your fancy. It’s our 9-year wedding  anniversary today, so I’ve decided that its time for me to come clean. I am confessing. I’m bearing my soul here people. So husband, here it goes, this one’s for you.

wed

1. I don’t really have IBS, I am just addicted to my Kindle.

2. I shop online after we fight. This is because I want to get back at you and also because when you find out, I know you will be too sick of fighting to bring up how much money I spent.

3. I make plans that involve “couples outtings” and then ask you later if you want to go, even though I’ve already committed you.

4. When I forget to buy something you’ve asked me to pick up at the store, I often lie and tell you that they were out of that product.

5. My “time of the month” does not actually last 7 days. I’ll let you stew on that one for a bit.

6. I told you I only had two glasses of wine, but in reality, I lost count after 4, so when I tell you I think its really a “stomach bug” after a girls night out…I’m just full of shit (and wine).

7. I have an upcoming Vegas trip planned that you do not yet know about…but don’t worry, you are coming along.

8. I sometimes call you horrible names after you leave your whiskers in the sink. The names I call you are so horrifically bad that I can’t even write them down.

9. I sometimes walk around in nothing but underpants in the morning with the intention of making you want a piece of this, but you usually ignore it and ask me to iron something for you, so I leave parts of your shirts wrinkled…on purpose, because you hurt my feelings.

10. I tell you that you are the only man for me, but I think that John Stamos may possibly be an exception.

11. If you and I were stranded on a deserted island, I’d probably make you do most of the work and boss you around.

12. Sometimes, when we are driving and I casually flip through radio stations in search of a catchy tune, I quickly skip through your favorite station because I can’t handle that shit.

13. When we were dating I told you I was once on a television game show to try and impress you. (I really and truly did this…OMG) I also told you that I won the grand prize. Lies!!!

14. I occassionally pretend that I don’t see that the dog just shit downstairs and then I ask you to run down and grab something for me so that you will see it and pick it up so that I don’t have to.

15. I always know what I want to eat, but when you ask me I say, “I don’t care,” and then reject everything you suggest until you finally offer the choice that I was originally hoping for.

16. I pretend that I don’t know the gas tank is on empty. I do this a lot. Like a really lot.

17. I tell you that I hate “Regular Show” on Cartoon Network and that it’s stupid that you watch it, but it’s actually one of my favorite shows.

18. When I tell you I bought this “on sale” I typically meant it was “for sale” and then justify it in my mind as just a wrong-word choice.

19. “The grocery store was packed!” I say after my alone trips to the store. Although this may be true, it usually takes me so long because I walk really slow down the aisles and then take the long way home.

20. It didn’t really bother me that you played poker with your friends until 4 in the morning on our wedding night because I was really tired and wanted to go to sleep anyways.

Let’s get something straight though. Just because I have now confessed these things, it doesn’t necessarily mean they will change, so you are just gonna have to deal with it. But I love you husband, even after 9 LONG years.

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