My Relationship Status…With Legos

Hoe-lee-moe-lee-wut-in-the-hay-ell was that??? Damn Lego. We’ve all been there. We’ve all cussed out a Lego in our minds or maybe even out loud after stepping on one. But what we must remember is that these little plastic bricks of wonder have also saved many ‘o mother from losing their shiz-nit. That is because Legos are like a party that never ends. The opportunities are truly endless and the kids love it. If you are anything like me, your relationship status with Legos…well ~ it’s complicated.

For example:

My three boys were playing Legos at the table last night while I was making a craptastic dinner. It kept them all busy and away from the stove. Love that. But then, well this happened…

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So, he’s basically gonna shit a brick. Fortunately, it was a fluorescent green brick, so it should be easy to spot. It baffles me though, because he ate it on purpose! And it happened so fast, I couldn’t stop it. Granted, he is three and many people may gasp at my letting him play with these, but he has two older brothers and has NEVER put a Lego in his mouth before. He had every intention of swallowing that little sucker before he popped it in his food trap. I even heard him say “yummy” afterwards, so apparently they are tasty too. Who knew?

Then, there is the price. These are expensive as hell. You pay a fortune for a set, your child puts it together and then up in a “safe place.” All is well in Lego-land, at least until one of these completed masterpieces gets knocked the fuck out. My minion’s Batcave took a tumble off what we call the “forever shelf” one day and golly gee-whilickers, he cried so hard, you’d have thought he had just shot Old Yeller. I mean it was bad. I know he had worked hard on it and it was one of the first ones he ever got, so I could sympathize. But to be honest I was more traumatized because I was literally staring at a broken pile of 70 bucks. And I do NOT save instructions, which may be my own fault, but at that point it was too late. We were left with pieces that just got thrown into the “Lego drawer.” It’s a hard pill to swallow, or in our case I guess a hard Lego to swallow.

And then there’s the mess. When not finishing Lego sets in one sitting, there are piles of pieces that have to remain untouched, so the whole family has to basically work around a construction zone. That’s a pain in the ass, but do-able. But free play Lego building is when shit gets real. And by real, I mean if you turn your back for one millisecond, the room can look like El Nino tore through it and that ain’t good. Those little plastic bastards can take a LONG time to clean up. And who gets that job? The kids of course. But sometimes, you can’t handle situations like this…

 rowl

 

You want that shit picked up, like right now. So you pitch in and tag team it, and then when you are finally done…they want to play Legos again.

Aah…the catch here is that even though they are messy, expensive, and swallowed, there are many benefits. They don’t have a screen (even though I don’t mind a little screen time). They don’t wear out or get old. My kids even play with a lot of ours from when we were little, and there is something about them that feels right, maybe nostalgic even.  I still love trying to make houses with the little flowers that you stick in the grass, and my front doors that end up backwards every damn time. The best part though, is that it keeps them busy. So I guess taking the good with the bad is part of the game.

There are a lot of feelings I have when it comes to these colorful sons o’ bitches. And don’t even get me started on when I see a stray piece on the floor while vacuuming, ’cause I suck that shit up. Even though they are pricey, I’m too lazy to bend down when one’s left behind. It really is a twisted relationship.

One thing’s for sure, I won’t be getting away from Legos anytime soon. That’s because A. I have to keep an eye out for the fluorescent green one that should soon depart from my son’s colon, and B. My 7 year-old just got a new Minecraft Lego set for his birthday. Looks like these will remain a part of my life as the new construction zone is currently being set up. I just have to be sure to keep a close eye on my 3 year-old in case he gets another craving for plastic. And Good Golly Miss Molly, there’s a shit ton of pieces in this mo’ fo’ and the directions are LONG …because well ~ it’s complicated.

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My Mother of the Year Acceptance Speech…I’m Shocked!

I just don’t know what to say. Where do I start? It is truly an honor to be The Mother of the Year. It wasn’t easy. It took a lot of tears and a lot of Xanax, but this proves that dreams can come true. I did it! But I didn’t do it alone. I hate long award speeches, so I’ll try to make this quick.

First of all, a BIG thank you to my family. Without my husband and three amazing boys, I wouldn’t be here in the bathroom…pretending to be using it so that I can hide out and accept this magnificent award. In fact…I’m just going to lock this door really fast so that they can’t come in here.

*locks door*

Alrighty then…sorry about that…but fucking hell they are loud! They all talk at the same goddam time, so I can’t even hear myself think. I mean WTF? Do they think it’s a volume competition and the winner gets a free cruise? Damn! Okay, where was I? Oh yes…my family. One of the most valuable things they have taught me on this journey called motherhood, is to keep my cool. I pride myself in keeping calm in even the most stressful situat-WAIT! What the hell was that? Something just crashed..hold on.

Is everyone alright? (yes) Oh thank God. Alright fellas…let’s try to NOT end up in the E.R tonight okay??? I mean twice in one week is too much. Now please turn on an electronic device of your choice and sit still until Mommy’s done. Do NOT be jumping on the bunkbed again!And (husband) would you PLEASE keep things under control for like five freaking minutes while I’m doing something…or do I have to hire a babysitter every time I take a crap?

Geesh. Sorry about that. Anyways, a huge thank you to that guy I married and my adorable offspring. I love you with all of my heart.

Next, I’d like to thank my children’s teachers for always putting up with my turning in their permission slips and library books late. My little guy’s teacher didn’t judge me when I walked in at the tail-end of the class party that I had forgotten was taking place and said “Oh bloody shit!” out loud in front of the entire preschool class and all their parents. Teachers…you have seen me cry, you’ve seen me laugh. Hell, I think one of you even heard that little fart that I slipped out during our 2nd quarter parent-teacher conferences. It didn’t even phase you. You just kept going on about my child’s achievements. You are my rocks.

Next, I’d like to thank my parents and my in-laws. To my mother-in-law who always buys me cooking stuff on birthdays and holidays in hopes that I will one day learn how to use it all…you haven’t given up on me yet. To my mother who knows how much is on my plate, so she calls me every morning just to make sure I remember that the kids have school…you are a treasure. I couldn’t do this without you. Hell, how many times have I called and been like, “oh I have the flu,” or “I have a doctor’s appointment,” and you all just jump at the chance to watch the kids and I only have to leave like six or seven voicemails before you will finally call me back. You are the wind beneath my yoga pants.

To my AMAZING friends who get me…Thanks for still inviting me to girls’ nights even though I occasionally drink a little too much and say stupid shit. You guys know that it’s only because I’m SO excited to get out and talk to other adults, that words just spill from my lips, like the vomit that soon follows. Really you guys, I know it must be hard to see me always “doing it all” and keeping such a great balance in my life. I mean let’s face it, I’m on so much medication, how could I NOT be balanced, right? I mean…right???

*starts to sob uncontrollably*

Sorry…I told myself I wasn’t going to get emotional. But this is such an honor. I just can’t believe it. Whoa….okay…I have to wrap it up. Lastly, I wanna thank the guy at McDonald’s for my morning Diet Coke, my amazing team of pharmacists at CVS, the mommy-blogging community, and my next-door neighbor who always has vodka, an extra egg, and Band-Aids when I need them.

It takes a village as you can see. That is why I would like to share this amazing award with each and every mother out there. At the end of the day, after we have given everything we have and then somedays…only like 50%…it comes down to one thing: our children. They are our reason for everything. It’s the love we share for our kids that connects us. They are our joy and our…oh crap. Someone’s crying… Oh piss and vinegar, it sounds like someone fell off the bunkbed. Shit.

*tries to open door*

Stupid door is stuck. Fuck you door. Come the hell on. My kids are out there running amuck, someone’s crying and I’ve managed to lock myself in the bathroom.

Can somebody get me outta here???

Yep, that’s me…Mother of the friggin Year.

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Bringing Sexy Back

Hey you…in the yoga pants with your hair all a mess and that mystery stain on your shirt. I bet you feel super sexy right now, huh? Don’t worry. After we have kids, sexy often takes a backseat to motherhood and that’s perfectly normal, so don’t freak out. The fact of the matter is, that it’s not always easy to keep things spicy in your marriage, or to even feel desirable. You may feel like you left your sexy somewhere in your minivan, or wonder if perhaps it was removed during childbirth. But you still got it and I’m ’bout to give you some tips on how to get it back into your relationship.

  • Take a booby picture and send it to your honey out of nowhere. I’m not a selfie person in general, but trust me…one quick snapshot of the lady-tots and your fella will be strutting in the door with a bottle of wine and a plastic-wrapped rose from the gas station.
  • Ask him to rub your back. Yeah, it may sound self-serving…but what he hears is “I need your hands on me right now and you have a big ding dong.” I know it’s irrational, but that’s how their minds work. This one’s a bonus because he wants your body and you get a back rub..
  • When you kiss goodbye in the morning, hold the smooch. That little peck thing becomes so common that if you keep it going for a good five seconds and add a little lip smacking, he’ll be so surprised that body parts are going to start responding. It’s just nature.
  • Groom the kitty cat. A change of scenery never hurt anyone. You don’t have to shave it all the way, or do the whole, rip-off-the-labia-and-scream-like-a-donkey-in-labor-waxing-bit. Just clean up the front yard a little bit. If nothing else, it will be a nice surprise.
  • Bend at the waist while doing chores. Keep those knees locked while unloading the bottom rack of the dishwasher. Downward facing dog while you sweep those goldfish cracker crumbs into the dustpan. He’ll notice that sexy you have going on, and if he doesn’t…well, there’s no shame in twerking in the kitchen.
  • Utilize your closet space. Doing the nasty is down right difficult if you have rugrats that wake up a gazillion billion times a night because they need to pee, get thirsty, projectile vomit, and so on and so forth. So before bedtime, whisper in his ear an invitation for a late night game of poke-her in the closet. Why the closet you ask? It has a DOOR!! Be sure to do it swiftly, as they will eventually find you…
  • Buy yourself a pretty little night gown. It doesn’t have to pair nicely with a pole, or a pair of 6-inch platform heels or anything like that, but just something pretty that makes you feel good about yourself will do the trick. I mean hell, it’s gotta make you feel sexier than that shirt with the mystery stain, right? And you deserve something new anyways.
  • “Forget” your towel when you take a shower. Sometimes, they just fail to remember what they’re missing. So yelling, “honey…can you please bring me a towel?” followed by your back arched and your hands running slowly through your hair while dripping wet is a pretty strong reminder that you’ve got private parts that he hasn’t seen in a while (just be careful not to throw your back out while trying for the right pose, trust me on this).

Feeling like a sexy mother may sound far fetched when you basically wear spit-up as perfume and to you the word “naughty” means finding a kiddo coloring on the wall. Trust me, I get it. I’m right there with you. But once in a while it’s okay to be a little naughty yourself. You may be a mom, but you are still a woman for crying out loud and there’s nothing wrong with making him want a piece of what you’re serving up. And sometimes we have to take the initiative. So go on ladies…get your sexy back.

And Gentlemen,

You’re Welcome

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