Back-Handed Compliments

Back-handed compliments are much like a sweet little hug followed by a kick in the shin. I actually find them to be quite funny. My normal response is just to laugh them off, but in my head there is a whole different story going on. Sarcasm is my middle name, so I am not offended. I’m just an internal smart-ass, as I’m sure many of us are. Here are some actual BHC’s (back-handed compliments) and IMH’s (in my head) reactions that I have had. Enjoy.

BHC: Oh my gosh…you look so much like Mariah Carey! I can’t stand her.

IMH: Well thanks a fuckin’ lot. You look like an asshole.

*

BHC: Your kids are so cute, especially that one.

IMH: What in the actual fuck do you mean “especially that one?” They are ALL equally cute you dick and you best be moving along now before my meds wear off and I have to handle this situation.

*

BHC: Oh I wish I could have your life and be a stay-at-home mom with no responsibilities.

IMH: Somebody hold my imaginary apron. I’m ’bout to smack a bitch.

*

BHC: Remember back when your house was always so clean?

IMH: Why yes. Yes I do. That’s because I didn’t have three boys and two dogs. You wanna try it? Take them all home for a day and I’ll come pick them up tomorrow and remind you of when YOUR house used to be so clean.

*

BHC: Cute purse. It honestly looks real.

IMH: Real? Like a real Fendi or some other real expensive bag? It’s from Tar-jay and it’s “real” full of fruit snacks, goldfish, and a few Pull-Ups. So piss off, oh mighty pretentious one.

*

BHC: You are almost back to your pre-baby weight! What is it, like ten more pounds?

IMH: Thank you. I’m super glad you are openly evaluating my weight. Shall we now discuss yours and see how it feels? In fact, why don’t we just get out the damn scale and see if either one of us truly wants to discuss our weight right now. Whadya say?

*

BHC: It must be so nice to not have to worry about how you look everyday.

IMH: Shhhhh……just shh…..there’s something about what you said that makes it seem as if you think I look like crap. I don’t know what would lead me to that conclusion, but I’m in full hair and make-up right now, so shhh…this is my personal best.

*

BHC: Your personality reminds me of Bethanny Frankel, even though she’s kind of a bitch.

IMH: Get off my jock. Blow me.

*

BHC: The way you do things just cracks me up.

IMH: Well aren’t you just a complimentary little sucker! I’m pretty sure that’s a nice way of saying that I’m a hot mess. You my friend, would be 100% correct. But I’m so happy that I give you a good chuckle. I’m here for your entertainment.

So the next time you receive a BHC…smile, thank them and mentally let ’em have it. It works for me 🙂