Moms Say The Darndest Things

We all know that kids can say funny, adorable, and sometimes shocking things. But what about moms? Well, we can say some crazy shit too. Here are some actual and (I’m not kidding) real life things that have come out of my mouth over the last few ass-kicking summer days.

*Honey, it’s not polite to put your wiener on my arm.

*If you ask me where your i-pod is one more time, I mean even one more time…I will take my hands like this, and I will pull on my lips until my entire mouth comes off and then…oh and then I will roll my mouth into a ball and throw it off the back deck and a wild animal will probably come and eat it.

*Will you just shut—up—town funk you up. K thanks.

*Yes, I can see that you are thirsty sweetness, but I’m on the toilet. See how I am sitting down and I have pee coming out of me? So yeah, you may have to go make your own drink or go to Starbucks and find a barista who is NOT peeing to make one for you.

*Hush for a second, Mommy is praying for God to give me patience with you.

*Find another place to sword fight you guys. It’s really hard to wax my lip with all this going on. It hurts. Think about how you’d feel if YOU were pulling hair out of your body and people were whacking swords all around you! Think of others!

*Whoever made that made smell needs to apologize to everyone in this room.

*No need to Facetime me darling, we are in the same room. It was kind of funny the first 4 times, but I’m kinda getting over that funny part and moving into the grouchier part of this whole process.

*I love every single thing about your face. I even love it when you are scrunching it up because you are so mad at me.

*If you wake up your little brother I am going to call somebody!! (I have no idea who I was going to call, but apparently it was somebody with a phone)

*Are you seriously asking me what do to while your game is loading??? You’re bored while you download an app? Are you serious??? Well all I can say is maybe dance a little jig. If you don’t know what a jig is, well then Google it.

*Crunchy tacos are the same flippin’ thing as soft tacos! One just crunches, okay? In the words of Katy Perry, IT’S NO BIG DEAL! IT’S NO BIG DEAL. IT’S NO BIG DEAL. THIS IS NO BIG DEAL!!!

*Well sweetie, I’m sorry. Your Lego guy will just have to wait his turn because it’s Mommy’s turn to take a shower.

*If I ever teach you anything in this life, let it be that your fingers should always smell clean.

*Way to go buddy! You did it. That was a big pee-pee you made! I love it when you pee!!

*This is my magic wand and when I say the magic words, this room will be cleaned….by YOU. Abracadabra…Alacazamm…Make these boys clean up this room so they don’t get in big fat trouble and I don’t lose my mind and hit myself in the face with this wand.

*I love you triple infinity and a million, plus one. So…top that. Boo-ya.

*Oh my God, please don’t lick me.

*Listen, if you do not scoot over and give me some room on this bed, then I will scream. Then, I leave here and drive to the mattress store and ask them to let me sleep there. And I’ll take this blanket with me.

They may not be our proudest moments, but they happen. And when they do, write them down. You may surprise yourself as you reflect on how batshit crazy you actually are.