How To Catch Fruit Flies If You Are A Crazy Person

WTF? Do you see this? I have fruit flies in my kitchen! Damn floot fries! I mean fwoot fwies. I mean floot flies!

EFFING FRUIT FLIES!!!

This was me…2 weeks ago. My kitchen was swarming with those little bastards! I’m not a dirty person! How could I possibly have an infestation of these awful critters? They don’t bite or sting…but they are gross. They were coming up out of the sink. They were hanging out in the pantry. They threw a little party in my mouth hole when I was calling my kids to come down for dinner. No mercy was shown on my part. I’d smack them around while calling them names. At one point I remember clapping my hands in the air trying to squash them while yelling, “Die you little motherfuckers! Die!”

Yep…they got the better of me…but they didn’t get the best. I had a plan, and it was intense.

TRAPS!

I was going to catch every last one of them with my homemade traps.

First, I made this one:

trap1

I didn’t have cling wrap so I put my thinking cap on and I used painters tape and a cut up Ziplock baggie, strawberries, and vinegar. I poked holes in the top as you can see.

Next, I saw somewhere on planet Google, that funnels were a good idea, so I made this little beauty:

funnel

I added soap to the vinegar/strawberry combo and again used painters tape to make a funnel.

Unsure if these creations would work, I made an orange juice trap out of a Seagram’s soda bottle:

ojtrap

I even texted my friend, see…

textoj

I hadn’t yet caught a single fly, so I found some guacamole and made a trap out of that:

guac

I desperately ran around checking each trap and everytime I did the fruit flies that would have been dead meat, would scatter. I was sabotaging my own plans!!! I had officially lost it! I didn’t think there was enough traps! It wasn’t that they weren’t working, right??? It was that there weren’t enough traps!! Silly me!

There was one idea I had left…I found a citrus flavored laxative drink thingy, because first of all, you never know when you might need it, and secondly I read on the world wide interweb somewhere, that these sick little pricks are attracted to citrus-y stuff!

lax

So I pondered the idea, questioned myself, and consulted with my friend again:

alotof1

Ultimately I decided to not waste good wine, or a good laxative on these little beasts. I let my traps lie for about 5 days. The results were shocking!!!

I caught about 23 fruit flies. 23 out of about 9,000. I tried to be proud of myself. I gave it my all. And hey 23 is better than nothing, right? I mean those 23 flies could have all had little baby flies and I’d have 23 more litters of tiny winged assholes taking over my home.

It wasn’t a total loss. I figured heck, once it cools off (the first freeze in a few months) they’ll die off. But then…I found this spawn from hell in a refreshing Kettle Soda cocktail I made at the end of a long day.

vodkafly

Game back on. You don’t mess with expensive vodka.

So, I found a trap at Walmart yesterday and it was one of two left on the shelf. So I bought them both.

LOOK!!!!!

walt

Less than 24 hours later I’ve caught more floot fwies, I mean fruit flies than I did in 5 days with my homemade traps (the other store bought trap has about the same amount of fly carcasses). So am I satisfied? Hell yeah. What next you ask? I’m going to what any (rational) person would do of course. I’m going to the other Walmart across town and I’m going to buy all the traps they have left.

This is how I caught fruit fries, I mean fruit flies. But…my advice as an expert:

Skip all the traps and go to Walmart before the secret gets out and all the traps are gone. Hurry up. They’re probably all doing it doggy style right now in your sink and they’re all getting pregnant!! Go! Go! Go!!!!

Dear Future Daughter-In-Law:

Oh sweetheart, what can I say…? Let me start with a thank you for loving my son. He is just as precious as can be, isn’t he? So many great qualities. I know he’s only three years old now, but I’m pretty sure he’ll be quite the catch by the time you find him. I mean look:

He’s sweet:

sweet

He’s cool:

cool

He practices good hygiene:

hygiene

I mean what’d I tell ya? He’s like magic. You are one lucky lady.

But…and this is just a side note, I am working on a few things to prepare him to be the husband you will need and want him to be.

I mean, he does shit like this:

thiss

And that:

this

He can throw fits:

pouty

But listen, a lot of guys are like that. So, please…go easy on him.

In the mean time, I’m going to promise to do my best to make sure he learns the important stuff that will someday make him a good husband like:

  1. Doing laundry
  2. Saying “I love you” (often)
  3. Saying “I’m sorry” when he screws up
  4. Unloading the the dishwasher instead of putting a dirty dish in the stupid freaking sink because he should never be too freaking lazy to unload the freaking dishwasher because it’s not always YOUR freaking job
  5. Carrying your luggage whenever he can (screw that part of feminism, I like it when my husband helps me with heavy bags, dammit)
  6. Flushing the toilet and practicing all other necessary bathroom etiquette
  7. Showing that he cares by acknowledging birthdays, Valentine’s Day, anniversaries, etc…(you’ll thank me for this one)
  8. Treating all women with respect, because they are all someone’s mother/sister/daughter
  9. Taking out the trash when it’s full and never leaving it sitting there attracting flies and overflowing for you to have to deal with (if he does this, call me and I’ll rip him a new one)
  10. Never EVER calling anyone names (except his brothers because ya know, brothers just do that)
  11. Loving without conditions
  12. Calling his mother everyday (this is more for me than you honey, sorry I slipped this in here)
  13. Giving compliments!!!
  14. Holding hands
  15. Using a mop and a broom and Hallelujah…a vacuum!
  16. Making coffee
  17. Killing bugs, even if they are disgusting little fruit flies or giant yellow-eyed spiders, because someday you may have fruit flies take over your kitchen and you can’t kill all them damn things by yourself. You need plenty of traps and a strategy and you have to work as a team to make sure there are no unnecessary food particles left around the house or those little bastards will never go away (trust me on this). And spiders are just gross, so ya know…
  18. How to basically not be a douche (this is huge)

So see lovey, I’ll be doing my best over the next many many years to help you out. Thinking about the man he will become is going to be a huge factor in how I raise him. Plus, I’m thinking of you. I’m investing a lot of time in this little dude and I want the best for you both. Besides, we’ll be family some day! I think you and I are going to get along just fine. We already have one thing in common…we love this guy!

So, future daughter-law, I’m NOT perfect as you can see, but I’m doing my best to concentrate on the important things…for him and for you.

Just please remember this when I’m drunk on the floor holding onto his ankle, while violently sobbing during your first dance at your reception and wiping tears on the train of your wedding dress.

(I’m sorry in advance.)

Good luck. You may need it. xoxo!

Your future Mother-In-Law (or whatever you want to call me)