Where Did It All Go Wrong?

Where did it go wrong? How did I end up here? Here, meaning behind the keyboard literally slamming each letter that I type with stiff fingers because I’m so effing done with this day. Am I bitching? Yeah, maybe I am. Sorry about that. I’m not trying to be a whiner. But I’m also trying to pinpoint the exact moment that I broke. It could have been any of the following:

  1. When one kid decided to “jump in the shower” five minutes before we were supposed to walk out the door for school.
  2. When we were running late for one of the kid’s dentist appointments to get a cavity filled and we got stopped by a train, moving…at…the…speed…of…a…three…toed…sloth…
  3. When I went to take a kid back to school and my 3 year-old ran ahead of me looking as if he was in a slot tournament, and pressing the school’s doorbell about 50 times before I could reach him.
  4. When I took another kid to a doctor’s appointment and my 3 year-old decided to tell the therapist that his mommy has boobs, two of them. And then told him that he likes zombies and blood. Yeah, that was fun.
  5. When my 7 year-old decapitated his little brother’s Play-doh gingerbread man and by his screaming, blood curdling reaction, one would have thought that he was passing a marble-sized kidney stone.
  6. When I told my son to get his guitar and notebook ready, because he had to leave in 5 minutes and 5 minutes later, I looked out the window as he rode barefoot on his bike past the house with no musical instrument in sight.
  7. When I let my youngest two kids go 5 houses down to a friend’s to play basketball and as I looked up from pulling weeds, saw my 3 year-old pissing in their driveway.
  8. When I made them both come home and “sit and think about how to act” and the next thing I knew they had each other in chokeholds.
  9. When I decided I was so thirsty so I grabbed the milk jug and took a big swallers, only to realize it was sour and expired and so now I’m a vegan. Milk was a bad choice.
  10. When I realized that I had been literally yelling every word that I had been saying to my kids for the last thirty minutes and my face and neck were sore from scowling.
  11. When I got a throbbing headache right behind my left eyeball.
  12. When my kids wanted snacks but they didn’t want to share, so they made two separate bags of popcorn and I had nothing left in me to fight it so they can just have the fucking popcorn because I. Don’t. Care. As. Long. As. They. Stop. Fighting.

Yeah, it could have been any of these things.

I may not be able to pinpoint the exact moment things went to shit today, but it doesn’t really matter because it’s only 6:20 p.m. right now.

They may not be finished with me yet…